The Blog Must Go On

 

I've been tossing around whether or not to continue this blog or call it quits.  I mean, It's a blog about cancer, Lymphoma specifically, and my journey with everything that having Lymphoma entails.  On November 7 I was told my scan was all clear and that I was in remission.  So, in my mind, my blog was finished.  I was all clear so what else could I possibly write about?  

Last week I was at a training and a fellow Probation Officer came up to me afterwards and encouraged me to continue writing.  I said, "I don't know what I would write about now."  She responded, "ANYTHING!  I love reading your blog!  Just let us know what's going on now!"  Then yesterday I was told by some co-workers that I needed to keep writing.  I went home and thought about this for a bit.  And as I pondered the events of the last year since my diagnosis, of the last five months since my stem-cell transplant, of the last month and a half since I found out I was in remission, I concluded that my journey isn't even close to being over.  Things have happened since my last post that could be related to all my treatment.  And I probably should write about that.  Mentally I still struggle, and I should probably write about that.  Having new life means having new goals, and I should probably write about that.  

Today I will write about my eyes.  Yes, my eyes.  I have had glasses/contacts since college.  Having poor vision is nothing new for me.  But, I started noticing some serious changes in mid-November.  My night vision was suddenly terrible, halo's around lights, dark circles in the center of lights, cars appeared to be coming at me in my lane.  Daytime wasn't any better.  Suddenly I couldn't read the words on my computer screen without getting literally right in front of it.  Double vision, shadow images, everything was really cloudy.  I could see better with my contacts (soft lenses) than with my glasses even though they were the same script.  Long story short, I ended up seeing some specialists in Evansville.  After two and a half days of tests, they finally determined that I have a disease called Keratoconus.  I was told the only way to correct this issue is to wear gas permeable contact lenses, and if it progresses, eventually a cornea transplant.  Ugh.  When the doctor left the room to get some lenses to practice with, the tears started falling.  I was thinking, "Are we serious?  I just went through hell and back and now I might one day have to have a cornea transplant?"  I asked if this could be a side effect of chemo or the stem-cell transplant, but the doctors couldn't answer my question.  They said that this is normally genetic, but just like my cancer no one else in my family has had this.  So, they can't really say why I have it, just that I have it and we have to deal with it and hope it doesn't progress.  They also told me they don't normally see this at my age, that it normally appears in the early 20's.  Well, I missed that deadline by about 15 years.  

 

I have now had my new gas permeable lenses two and a half weeks.  Those first two weeks...OMG!!!!!!  I literally wanted to claw my eyes out.  I couldn't deal.  I was miserable and they made me grouchy (just ask Jeremy.  He'll tell ya all about it).  My eye doctor told me that it would take about two weeks to get used to them and he wasn't exaggerating.  This week I have finally been able to function without constantly thinking that life would be just fine blurry.  Actually, I don't notice that I have the contacts in much at all anymore until the evening.  Then they MUST come out.  

A month ago I was so angry and frustrated over the whole situation.  I felt like I might never see a day where I wasn't in some sort of doctors office having tests run.  I was over it.  Completely over it all.  Today I'm much better and extremely thankful that these ridiculously annoying contacts exist.  Without them I wouldn't be able to see this well, and I would be facing a cornea transplant.  

If there is one thing I am learning, it's patience.  I'm learning that when the doctor tells you it will get better, just give it time, he is right.  I was told the stem-cell transplant side effects would get better, and they did.  I was told I would get used to these contacts, and I did.  I guess my problem isn't the waiting.  It's the crap I have to endure during the waiting process that causes me to freak out a little.  

So, there you have it.  My vision blog.  I can see clearly now.  And for that I'm thankful. 

I'VE BEEN DEPORTED!!

How I feel right now

As of about 10:00am this morning I am officially DONE with stupid cancer!!!  Port removal surgery was this morning and that damn thing is not inside me anymore!!!  It has been a part of me (literally) since November 18, 2013.  Now I can rub my neck without feeling a tube.  I can pick up my niece and when she pushes on my chest to get down (every.single.time) it will no longer hurt.  I can take a shower and wash my chest without feeling a big bump under my skin.  NO MORE NEEDLES IN MY CHEST!!! 

 

This is me so happy to be de-ported!!!
 

 

For me, today marks the official end of cancer treatment.  Yeah, I still have follow up appointments every few months for the next several years.  But I'm done with procedures.  I'm done being poked (which happened three times today:  once for labs and twice for IV line because, as the nurse put it, "Oh dang.  Can't use that.  Must have hit a valve in there or something.  Care if I poke you again?  So sorry that hurt so bad.).  I'm done being cut open (and today, I actually heard the doctor cutting me open.  It was weird.  And a little nauseating).  I'm done being injected.  I'M DONE!!!!!!!!

 

 

I told Jeremy that today I actually finally feel like celebrating.  I really feel like I've made it, I have survived cancer.  Getting that port out has made it real for me that I don't have to do anything else to get rid of stupid cancer.  It is gone and I am finally done with procedures.  FINALLY.  One year later and I can finally start making plans for the future.  One year later and I actually had a conversation with my husband about what's next.  And when he asked me that, without hesitation, I said, "Well, I'm going to register for a Spartan Race in May.  And in January I'm redoing my last challenge and starting Natalie's program again."  It felt so good to have that conversation.  It wasn't "I want to do this or I would like to do that but we have to wait and see "if."  Saying "I'm going to" feels great!  I don't have to wait and see anymore.  I can finally get back to my life.  Get back to being me!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TODAY'S PET SCAN RESULTS

My post stem-cell PET scan happened this morning.  I met with Dr. Stephens and received the results this afternoon. 

 

 

 

In other words,

 

I'M IN COMPLETE REMISSION!!!!

 

IT WORKED!!!  THE TRANSPLANT WORKED!!!! 

 

What a year it has been!!!  But I finally did it!  I WON!!!!!!!!  I've been cut on, injected, poked, stuck, lost my hair (twice), infused with toxic chemicals, had a stem-cell transplant and a blood transfusion.  But I never gave up, even when it felt like I would never reach the finish line.  It took a year to get there, but today I reached that finish line.  Not only did I reach it, I crossed it.  In first place.  I WON!!!!