Scan Day

 

Today was a really big day for me.  I had my first CT Scan since starting chemo.  I'm nervous.  I was nervous going in and I will be nervous until I hear the results. 

 

Let me walk you through how this went for me today.  I get in the room and the guy doing the scan starts asking all kinds of questions, such as "Any chance you are pregnant?"  My response, "Oh geez I hope not!"  He laughed and said that I would be surprised at the number of cancer patients that tell him yes.  I said "No.  Not me.  One life altering experience at a time is all I can handle!"  He then tells me he needs my arm so he can "stick me" so he can inject the dye that will light up my blood stream.  I told him to just go ahead and do whatever he needed to do.  I have been stuck with needles more times than I care to count at this point, so what's one more stick?  He then tells me that once he injects the dye I'm going to feel like I am peeing in my pants, but not to worry because it's just the dye.  I have done this before, and it does in fact feel that way, but today he must have given me and extra dose because I really thought I was!!  It is the strangest feeling. 

 

Once the scan started, and I was moved into the machine, reality sank in.  As I am staring up at the thing that goes around and around and around, I immediately start wondering what it sees inside me.  Does it see enlarged lymph nodes?  Does it see lymph nodes that have shrunk back down to size?  Does it see something new?  And as I'm staring at this swirling metal, I'm also thinking about how my life has been spun around just like that thing.  I feel the tears coming.  My eyes are warm.  I close my eyes and a tear falls.  Now I'm thinking "Really?  Right now?  You are going to cry right now?"  Luckily, the guy came in to give me more dye and to put a shield on my chest.  So that ended that crying thing real quick. 

 

About 15 minutes or so in the machine I was finished.  And I left just as I came in:  with no idea what's going on inside me.  That answer has to wait until Friday when I see my doctor before chemo.  So between now and then all I can do is wait.  And try not to think about it.  And try not to be anxious.  I feel like I will get good news.  I can't feel the nodes in my neck anymore so that has to be good.  But, I have no idea what's going on in my chest and that's where the largest one was.  Guess I will find out Friday. 

 

 

One last thought for tonight.  I do believe that I have decided on my next Challenge.  This: 

Spartan Race: Chicago

My brother seems to think that since I will have 3-4 months to train for this there is no reason I won't be able too.  I mean, it's only a 8-9 mile obstacle course.  Psssh.  Piece of cake.  If I can beat cancer, I think I can do that!!!  Let's just finish kicking this cancer out the door and then I will start focusing on the next challenge!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Sunshine and Surprises

 

 

What an amazing day I had yesterday!  Started out the day by meeting my mom at the Ahh Spa for a belated birthday treat.  She treated herself to a facial while treating me to a 70 minute hot stone massage.  Aaaamazing!!!  I mean, being touched by a complete stranger never felt so good!!  It's the weirdest thing and the most normal thing at the same time.  Just me, a girl I've never met, a dark room, sounds of the ocean, lotion, and hot stones.  It.was.awesome.  I think I may just have to do it again in a few weeks!!  After our pampering was over, mom took me to Ann's Wig Shop and bought me a new hat and scarf.  Then lunch at Rafferty's.  Good stuff.  Thanks mom!!!

I got home and the girls were outside playing.  Yes, you read that right.  OUTSIDE!!  Yay for a warm day!!  So I changed clothes and went outside with them.  They played while I read a book.  In the sun.  Without a jacket.  Oh how I long for spring!! 

 

Earlier in the week our friends Tom and Cara had asked us if they could take us out to dinner to celebrate my halfway point.  The plan, as it was told to me by my husband, was dinner at the Log Inn at 6pm on Saturday night.  So, that's what I went with.  At 5:15pm I was ready to go.  I figured we had to leave then to get to our 6:00 reservation on time.  I found it weird that Jeremy was taking his time, just sitting in his chair.  I just stood there, waiting.  He continued to take his time.  He finally gets ready and we leave.  We get to Tom and Cara's and Tom says Cara doesn't feel well, so would we mind going to Silver Bell instead of Log Inn since its closer to home.  Just in case she starts feeling worse.  Ok.  No problem.  Log Inn would have been wonderful, but Silver Bell will do.  I'm just ready to go.  But, it appears I'm the only one.  Cara is in her daughters room making her bed.  Tom wants to show us the progress on the bedroom.  Time goes on and next thing I know Cara starts unloading the dishwasher.  What the heck??  Now, if you know me, you know that I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world.  So, when Jeremy sat down at the table I was a little irritated.  I didn't say anything, but I was thinking "Am I the only one who remembers that we were supposed to go out to eat?" 

 

We FINALLY leave.  We get to Silver Bell, and as I walk passed the door to the party room, I think I see someone I know.  I stop and take a step back, then realize the room is filled with balloons and people I know!  We walk in and...

 

I had no idea what to say to everyone, so I just said "Hi!"  I was kind of in shock.  I had zero clue this was going to happen!  All of the stalling suddenly made sense!  How no one broke and told me about this last week is baffling to me.   All in all, it was an AMAZING evening.  I had so much fun.  I laughed ALOT.  My friends are the most incredible people on the planet.  Even the ones who had other plans and couldn't make it last night.  It was another humbling experience that's for sure.  That all these people would work so quickly to pull this together for me, to be sure I had a great night, to be sure I knew that they all are supporting me, to just be there to hang out with me when they could have been doing anything else.  To me, that's worth more than you could ever put a price tag on.  You can't buy that.  You only get that kind of love when you surround yourself with the right people.  And by right people, I mean the people that really, truly care about you.  No matter what.  Hair or no hair.  Good mood or bad mood.  Cancer or no cancer.  These people, my friends, are more like family.  Actually, they are family.  And I wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything. 

 

This was such a great way to end an already great day.  I can't thank everyone enough for making my night so special.  I will never forget it that's for sure!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair...Who Really Needs It Anyway?

 

So everyone knows from my post last week that I decided to shave my head.  The wind just wasn't blowing my way (meaning my hair wouldn't stop falling out) so I adjusted my sails (meaning I decided to go with the wind and shave my head).  Not going to lie, it really bothered me at first.  I couldn't decide what I was going to do.  Was I going to wear a wig?  Just wear a scarf?  How about a hat?  I had no clue what I was going to do.  First day to work I wore my wig.  Ugh.  Not a fan.  I figured that out real quick.  Just wasn't comfortable in it.  It felt like I had twenty extra pounds on my head.  And I don't like hair touching my face, and my wig is designed to touch my face, so that didn't work out so well.  I was literally petting myself all day (yes, petting, like a dog) trying to keep the hair back as much as I could.  I was very self conscious about it and it showed.  Everyone said they liked it, and it did look nice.  But it just wasn't for me.  So, I haven't wore it since.  I have decided that scarves and hats are going to be my thing.  I realize that scarves and hats aren't as pretty as blonde hair, but I'm at least comfortable in them. 

 

I found a few websites that donate free scarves and/or hats to cancer patients.  One of them is called Hope Scarves.  I ordered one for myself and received it in the mail today.  It is a really cool program.  Women who have survived cancer donate their used scarves/wraps/hats to the program.  They are dry cleaned and sent on to someone else.  Check this out:

 

It says, "Michelle: We pass this scarf along with the hope and strength of the woman who wore it before you.  Her story is inside.  May her courage and our encouragement surround you.

This scarf came from a lady named Meredith.  She is from Richmond, California.  She was diagnosed at age 30, 9/18/10 with breast cancer.  Keeping Hope: DANCE!  She danced through treatment and had to sleep most of the day, but she made it to her regular dance classes.  Normalcy was important to her.  Having dance goals got her through this time.  The hardest part:  Not feeling normal, not feeling (or looking) like a whole person.  Her encouragement to me:  Hang in there!!

 

 

Pretty amazing if you ask me!!  The folks who run this great program just ask that I send in my scarves when I am done with them, along with my story so they can pass it on to someone else in need.  And I will do just that!  

 

I was thinking the other day.  Thinking about how different I looked now, and what a difference hair really makes.  Only way to figure that out is to compare, right?  So I did.  And this is what I discovered:

Picture on left taken in October, 2013.  Picture on right taken February 10, 2014. 

 

I look a lot different!  Hair really does make a difference!  Here is a couple of photo's I've taken recently:

 

So, I don't know.  Hair is just hair.  It will grow back.  I do miss it.  I really don't feel like me at all anymore.  I don't feel pretty (not that I ever really did, but even less now).  I told Jeremy last night that I think I look like a 12 year old boy when I don't have anything covering my head.  Pretty  much everyone has told me that I look beautiful, pretty, etc...  I even have one friend who tells me I'm prettier without hair!  She is serious too.  I don't see it, but if she does then I'll take it! 

 

But really, I am still me.  Just minus the hair.  And it has been interesting to see the different responses I get from not just strangers, but those who know me.  People stare, even people who see me every day.  I don't blame them.  It's weird.  My probationers ask questions (I don't answer them).  I just hope one thing.  That everyone realizes I'm still me.  The same person I was six months ago, before cancer, before the hair was gone.  Before I wore odd looking things on my head.  Before I looked like a pirate (that's what my Judge asked me yesterday.  He asked me how the pirate thing was going for me. hahaha).  It is definitely a humbling experience, this whole hair thing.  I really am starting to get over it though.  Every day I'm getting more comfortable with it and less concerned about what people might be thinking or saying. 

 

And, in case you all were wondering, I AM OVER HALFWAY DONE WITH CHEMO!!!!!  FIVE MORE LEFT!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Happy Valentines Day Cancer

Dear Cancer:

It's Valentines Day.  A day that is supposed to be filled with expressions of love.  A day full of roses, chocolates, candy, cards, romantic dinners, and lots of kisses.  A day intended to be spent with your Valentine.  And I'm sure, Cancer, that you don't care about any of that.  No, you don't.  You have made it clear that all you care about is YOU.

I wish I could talk to you.  It's so weird.  We are together all day every single day yet we can't speak to each other.  I want to know a few things.  How long have you been here exactly?  I mean, I didn't even know you were living inside me until you had been here for probably a year or so.  It's creepy Cancer.  Really creepy that you sat around so quiet for so long before letting me know you were here.  I sort of feel like you were stalking me.  Sitting, waiting.  Waiting until I had reached my fitness goals.  Waiting until I felt better than I ever had.  Waiting for me to embark on my next big thing so that you could deliver the biggest, most powerful blow possible.  That's what I think you did.  Nothing romantic about that.  Not at all.  What did I do to cause you to show up?  Did I eat something you love?  Did I drink something you just can't say no too?  Did I breathe in the toxic chemicals that you love to swim in?  Was it that my DNA made it so that you had to show up?  I really, really wish you could tell me.  Not that it matters right now since you are already here.  But, maybe, just maybe I could change some things so that you don't show up ever again.  Once I get rid of you, do you plan to stay gone, or do you love me so much that you will come back again some day?  How long will you wait?  Five years?  Ten years?  If you are going to come back, will you come back as the same Cancer, or will you have changed?  People change, and you can too.  I just want to know what I should expect.  This is my life we are talking about here so I feel I have a right to know what you plan to do with it.

Cancer, I want to make sure you understand how I feel about you, being it's Valentine's Day and all.  I don't want you here.  I want you to leave and never, ever come back.  When I say your name I cringe a little.  You have disrupted not just my life, Cancer.  You have disrupted the lives of everyone I am close too.  My family, my friends.  I hate you and I'm going to kill you.  The problem is I can't just shoot you and get it over with (believe me if that were an option I would choose it).  I have to receive chemotherapy to kill you, and in the process of trying to kill you my body is taking one hell of a beating.  Trying to kill you is taking its toll on me. I won't go into all of the side effects because you already know.  I hope you understand that I will never, ever love you.  I don't care how you feel about me.  I hate you and I am going to kill you.  I hope you are clear on that.

Because of you, Cancer, I'm spending my Valentine's day receiving chemo.  That's right.  On a day that is full of love, I'm trying to kill what I hate most.  YOU!!!!!  And, on my birthday and on my daughters birthday I will feel horrible.  I won't be out having fun and celebrating.  And I really, really hate you for that.  I have cried so many tears because of you.  And I will cry so many more.

You haven't just messed with me physically.  It's mental too.  You have tapped into my thoughts and made them not so good sometimes.  You have made me doubt myself.  You have made me question alot of things.  There have been days that I have been so sad.  There have been days that I have just been flat out mean to my husband and my kids.  And it's all because of you, Cancer.  It's all because you decided to invade my body and live in it.  You decided that you wanted to take me over.  I had absolutely no say in this relationship.  I never did.  It's always been all about you Cancer.  And I refuse to be in a relationship like that.  

I will say that I do thank you for something.  I thank you for making me understand how special every single moment of life is.  For making me realize that at any given moment, life can change.  That I'm not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this planet.  Because of you, I now spend less time worrying about me and more time thinking about those that I love.  I check in with my friends more often now.  I try to smile and laugh more.  So for these things, I will thank you.   

I wish I didn't have to kill you.  But, it's either you or me and it isn't going to be me.  You are going to die.  And as much as I dislike chemo, I will keep going until the doctor tells me I can stop.  And he won't tell me I can stop until you are dead.  You may already be dead and typing you this letter may be pointless.  I don't know.  I hope it is pointless.  But, until I know for sure I will keep moving ahead with everything.  I hate you.  I want you to die.  And when I'm told that you are dead, then I will celebrate.  I will probably even throw a party so everyone close to me can join me in celebrating your death.  It will be the happiest moment of my life to know that I killed you.

I hope you have a crappy Valentine's Day Cancer!!!

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Wants You To Die


 

I SHAVED MY HEAD!!!!

 

Today, just as I was getting in my car to head home from work, I received a text.  The text contained the above picture.  I read it a couple of times before the tears started flowing.  This came to me, as most things seem to do lately, at just the right time.  I have been stressing a lot over my hair  and have gone back and forth over what to do.  Shave it or leave it.  The debate has continued daily.  But yesterday I told my husband that I was ready.  I told him I hated my hair and wanted it gone.  He said OK then.  We can shave it tonight if you want.  Well, Walking Dead was on so I decided to watch that instead.  Today, when I woke up, I knew today was the day.  Just knew it.  I told myself over and over all day that it was going to happen tonight.  And then I got this picture sent to me.  It was as if God himself said to me, "Michelle.  Do it.  Shave your hair.  You are becoming REAL.  You can't be ugly if you are REAL." 

 

So, after we ate dinner, we did it.  I had a minor panic attack and almost cried, but I did it.  It's gone.  My hair is gone.  I am bald.  And it is WEIRD.  I jumped in the shower and kept wanting to run my fingers through my hair.  It felt like it was still there.  WEIRD.  The kids helped.  Reagan brushed hair off my shirt and Emily took pictures.  Speaking of pictures...

I appear to be sad.  That's because I was.  Couldn't believe

this was really happening.

 

In this one, I'm thinking about how much I hate cancer.

 

In this one, Jeremy is singing "Nothing Compares

2 U" by Sinead O'Connor.  You Tube it.  It will

make sense.

 

I'm happy and relieved to have that done!!! 

 

I am so glad I finally did it!!  It feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off me.  Now I just have to decide if I am going to wear the wig or something else.  I have two head scarves on order.  I think I will like those more than the wig.  We shall see.  It's kind of awesome though.  I will be able to get ready so much faster now!!!  Twenty extra minutes of sleep in the morning!  Woohoo!!!

 

In other news, Saturday morning I had an hour long facial at the Ahh Spa(paid for by some friends who wanted to just do something nice for me).  That was followed by lunch with a friend who is really going thru a tough time right now.  So thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and just let her talk.  She really needed that.  Sunday Jeremy surprised me by taking me for an early birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  He even found someone to watch the girls!!  It was a great weekend.  Went by way to fast. 

 

That's all I got tonight.  Later gaters!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Lets Talk About...Babies???

So this round of chemo is kicking my rear end.  Blurred vision, serious night sweats, mouth sores, headaches, nausea, so freaking tired...you know, all the good stuff that comes with cancer.  And I'm only three days out.  Usually the side effects aren't too awful until Wednesday after.  I seriously hope this trend doesn't continue, because, well, it's pretty crappy and I don't like it!!!  

Want to hear some good news?  My nephew was born this afternoon!!  Grant arrived around 1:00pm and weighed in at 8lb 7oz.  Everyone is doing great!!  Can't wait to meet him!  It may be a bit being as they are in Memphis, TN, but hopefully soon!

Speaking of babies.  I have been wanting to post about this for awhile but didn't really know how to work it in.  So this seems like as good a time as any.  It's really weird.  I was certain I didn't want any more children.  I knew this right after Reagan was born.  Really never doubted that two was all I wanted.  Even when Dr. Stephens talked to us about having more children, we were both really quick to say NO!!!  He wanted us to be sure, because he said we needed to harvest eggs even if there was a small chance we might change our mind.  We again said NO!!  And so we forged ahead with chemo.  Knowing that baby days were forever over.  And I was perfectly OK with that.  I mean, we decided two years ago that Jeremy would fix the issue of having babies.  And he did.  But recently, it seems as though everyone around me is buzzing with baby news.  Right after I was diagnosed some of our close friends had twins (and they are the cutest babies I have ever seen).  Then, about a month after that, we found out some more really close friends were expecting, even though it wasn't planned.  A month after that we found out even more of our closest friends were expecting again.  And, two weeks ago another bestie tells me she's expecting again.  Then tells me a few days ago she thinks she is farther along than she realized.  May even be four months already!!   

What's the point of this rambling baby nonsense?  Well, I have been sort of bummed about not being able to have any more babies the last few weeks.  I'm not exactly sure babies are the real issue though.  I think it's more of a jealousy issue.  Like, in my head I'm saying, "Hey.  Why do they get babies and I get cancer and chemo?  Why do they get morning sickness brought on by a new life, and I get sickness brought on by something that can kill me?"  I even told that to one of the pregnant friends one day when she asked how I was.  I actually said to her, "Well, maybe the doctor is wrong.  Maybe I'm actually pregnant and that's why I feel so crappy."  Wishful thinking, right?  

I don't know.  I think I need a therapist.  Or just a night out with my husband and our friends.  We haven't done that in awhile.  Or a vacation.  Or both.  Or all three.  Hell I don't know.  I do know that I am very happy for all of these friends that really are more like family.  Seeing others excitement and joy does make me feel good.  Because I truly care about all of them and want them to be happy.  I love them all so much.

Oh.  I had another surprise visit to my office today.  My friend Janice stopped by and dropped this off:

You know, it's funny.  There was a time when I was 100% certain that Janice was going to kill me.  Ok.  Maybe not kill me.  But at least slash my tires.  I was terrified for the longest time.  See, I had to wear this huge brace on my right knee after I tore my ACL in high school.  Our basketball coach had a rule that I had to tape the metal sides so I didn't cut anyone.  Well, I failed to follow directions during a practice and I was guarding Janice and, well, I sort of sliced her leg open.  Coach was not happy.  I thought my life was over.  I was just waiting for her to meet me in the parking lot and end it for me.  We talked about this incident again today and she just laughed.  She doesn't even remember it.  Thank goodness!!! 

Even though I feel terrible today, I feel blessed.  Every day my eyes are opened more and more to the people in my life who care so much.  And I never knew before now how much they cared.  Or how much I have touched there life.  See, I get so many messages through text and Facebook every single day from people telling me that I have inspired them over the years and that I continue to do so.  I had no idea.  No clue.  And these are people that I haven't talked to ever in some instances.  Others I haven't talked too in years.  I received a Facebook post on my wall the other day, and I will share it here now:

You are amazing! I didn't really know you that well in school. But through Facebook I've learned so much. Those people that you interact with everyday in your life are very lucky! Your an amazing woman. You give so many hope with your inspirational blog and all the selfless hours you have given to individuals wanting to change their life. Like you said, and I'm sure it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. Your human and we get that, but you always see good in all your challenges. I thank you for sharing those with me. You make me want to be a better person! 

How do I respond to that?  I mean, I was floored when I read it. I had no idea.  I am so thankful she shared this with me.  It really did lift me up when I was feeling down.  These types of messages always seem to come at just the right time.  This kind of stuff inspires me to keep going.  And I share this message with all of you reading this blog right now not to brag or boast.  I share it because you never know who is watching you.  You don't know who you are inspiring.  So, keep doing what you do.  You never know who's life you may be changing just by being you.

 

I Think I Can Actually Do This!!!!

 

 

Chemo #6 is in the books!!!  Halfway!  This is good.  This is really good.  Everyone is like "Hey this is great!  You are halfway done!"  And while I am happy about this fact, my mind immediately goes to "But that means I still have to do this chemo crap SIX MORE TIMES!!!!!!"  But the positive thought I was able to pull out of my suppressed positive thought library was this:  I have completed six treatments.  Therefore, I know I can complete six more, because I have already completed that many once.  I just have to complete that many twice!!

 

Speaking of Chemo #6, this beauty took me yesterday

This is Holly.  Holly is amazing.  I kind of like her a whole lot!

 

Mostly, we talked.  We talk a lot but never get the time to talk as much as we want too.  So this four hour journey solved that problem.  But, we also did this:

She beat me twice.  So I decided to quit.  Quitters never win but I wasn't winning anyway so it didn't really matter. 

 

I have received lots of gifts again this last few days.  It's overwhelming and amazing still three months later.  You would think by now I would be used to it and would know what to say but I don't.  I received several messages of encouragement this week from people I hadn't heard from in forever.  And I also received a few "thinking of you today" messages yesterday from a few close friends.  Earlier this week my friend and Michele Boyster stopped by my office and dropped off an awesome gift that included a tshirt and a coffe mug with different flavored tea's.  My cousin Kristin mailed me a note with some wonderful things included.  An old friend sent me a very amazing letter (yes, I cried) with chapstick.  And, I forgot to mention, my friend and co-worker Shawnna gave me a workout DVD to try that doesn't raise your heartrate; it also included some weird socks she says I have to wear when I do it (sorry Shawnna.  I forgot to put it in my blog.  And sorry because I haven't done it yet.  But I will.  And will blog about it when I do.)

 

My family and friends continue to help us out anyway they can with the girls and with food and such.  It's just really been a amazing. 

 

Now, I have to get ready for Emily's basketball game.  I just figured I would do a quick blog while I was home alone and could complete a thought and a sentence without fifteen interruptions.  Today is a normal Saturday after chemo.  And I'm doing normal.  But life must go on so I will just carry on as usual.  SuperBowl is tomorrow.  Cancer isn't going to keep me from hanging out with friends and watching that for sure!!!!