Sunday, April 27, 2014

I DID IT!!!! I REALLY REALLY DID IT!!!!!!

 
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I FINISHED CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you even believe it????
I am not even sure I totally believe it just yet.  But I do know that Friday night, when Jeremy looked at me and said, "This is the last Friday night you have to feel this bad" I let that sink in for a minute.  Then, I fell asleep for awhile.  Woke up and went up to bed but didn't fall back to sleep right away.  Instead I just cried.  And cried and cried and cried.  I texted Jeremy and asked him to come upstairs with me.  He did and I just cried and cried and cried some more.  I finally just let the last six months of fear, uncertainty, doubt, sadness, and frustration all out.  Up until Friday, I have been living day to day.  Just trying to get through this.  Trying not to let my true emotions and feelings get in the way of progress.  None of that really mattered anyway.  What really mattered was beating cancer and getting to the day that I never had to go back for another treatment.  And finally, after six rounds (12 treatments of ABVD) I did it.  I reached April 25, 2014.  A date that once told to me seemed light years away.  As time went on and the date came closer I still did not let myself get excited about it.  Partially because I still felt like crap and partially because I didn't want to get my hopes up in case something happened and that wasn't actually going to be the end date.  But guess what??  4-25-14 has come and gone and I am done with chemo!!!!!!!!  And yesterday, even though I felt terrible, I was able to say, "this is the last Saturday I have to feel like this."  And today, "this is the last Sunday I have to feel this way."  And so will go the rest of my week.  Jeremy told me that his two favorite days were 4/25 and this coming Friday.  When I asked him why this coming Friday he said, "Because I know you will feel better then.  And you will no longer have to feel bad.  It will be over." 
 
I made him do a chemo selfie.  He escaped the prior two times he took me.  Not this time!!!
 
I was so nervous for this last treatment and I have no idea why.  Not the first clue.  But I was.  On top of the nerves it seemed like it took forever to even get back to the chemo room.  Once we get back there, the nurse says she once again has to get the go ahead from Dr. Stephens because my white count is below the level the nurse can make the decision to administer chemo or not.  So we waited some more.  She finally comes back with my steroids and says Dr. Stephens gave the green light.  THANK GOODNESS!!  Shortly after that Dr. Stephens himself came back to the chemo room to wish me luck.  He also told me that my PET scan on May 23 is just routine at this point and he has zero doubt that it will show that I am 100% free of cancer.  He said he doesn't just say things like that and that he truly believes it.  So yay for that!!!!  After he left the nurse told us that he doesn't normally come back and talk to patients so I must be pretty special (those were her words, not mine) :) 
 
So we muddled through the last treatment, having conversations that I don't remember having (happens every time).  And, I noticed Jeremy was texting ALOT, but I didn't question it because he is always on his phone.   I had no idea he was up to something.  Guess I should have known something was up when a different nurse came over to change over my bags of poison and as she did another nurse comes up behind me and tells her to slow the drip down.  WHAT?????  I just wanted to get out of there!!  Why would you slow it down??  After that happened I started getting very impatient.  Now, if you ask around most people will probably tell you that I'm not a very patient person anyway.  So, take my normal impatient self and multiply that by about 5 and that's where I was mentally.  Geez I just wanted to be done!!  Then, when the final bag had dripped its last drop, I waited.  And waited.  Normally the nurse gets over to me immediately to unhook me because I'm always the last one in the building and they can't leave until I do.  But not this time.  Ugh.  I thought I might just rip it out myself.  Finally she came and I was set free.  YAY!!!  Now take me home!! But, little did I know that was not the plan.  This was:
 

Yeah.  I was shocked.
Love everyone in this photo!!
  And the boys, when I walked out, yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"  hahahaha
These two!!!!
We cried for a few minutes. 
Me and my dad, photo bombed by Reagan.
A few of the signs.
 
Wow.  Just wow.  I had zero idea this was happening.  Come to find out, this is why Jeremy was texting so much.  And when it appeared that I was going to be finished before everyone arrived, that's when a call was placed to the nurse to slow things down.  I know I have said it before but I seriously have the best family and friends in the world!!!!  Once again they pulled off a surprise.  I really can't believe no one told me!!  Come to find out, my good friend Jennifer was the brains behind this whole thing.  She contacted everyone and stayed in touch with Jeremy.  I guess she was the one who called the nurse and told her what was up.  I don't think she realizes how much this meant to me.  To walk out of my last treatment thinking I was just going home and to have everyone there was just indescribable.  It just reaffirmed to me that I have not gone through ANY of this alone.  Even when I felt like I was, this was proof I wasn't.  There were a few who couldn't make it and I completely understand.  When I arrived at home (after my dad took us to Hacienda for dinner) this is what I saw:
 
More surprises!!!  My friend Kristy couldn't make it to my treatment so she went to my house and decorated with balloons and left this bottle of wine on my front porch.  Can't wait to share it with her!!!  Thank you so much Kristy!!!! 
 
Thank you also to everyone who texted, called, sent me a Facebook message, sent me a card, or just told me how excited they were for me on Friday.  It all means a lot to me.  More than I can say.  Now, I just have to make it through this final week of feeling awful.  And when I do, I will be overjoyed.  And then I think it will all sink in that I'm really finished.  And I really won't have to feel bad anymore.  And that will be the best day ever!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Monday, April 21, 2014

It's A Beautiful Life

 
I am starting this post with this picture because I find it hilarious.  And since I really enjoy laughing, it's the perfect way to start.  Let me just chat with you about what a great weekend I had!!  For starters I didn't have to work Friday, so that was great.  My mom had asked me to meet with her Friday evening where she bartends.  They had raffled off a few things, the most recent being a flat screen television.  She wanted me to draw the winner because they were giving the proceeds to us to help pay medical bills.  After all these months this kind of thing still humbles me.  I always feel like saying thank you and passing out hugs just isn't enough to really express how grateful I am for everything.  The fact that people are willing to do things like this for me is still overwhelming.  Anyway, back to the point.  I did go and did draw the winner.  Funny thing...the name I drew was the  owner of the bar that raffled off the television!  The check I received was substantial and will help so much. 
 
Now, I want to say something about Saturday.  Saturday after I took Reagan to the egg hunt in Poseyville, I met a friend for lunch.  There are a few things to know about this friend:  1) We were best friends all thru high school.  2)I haven't spent any time with him, or had a significant conversation with him in probably, oh I don't know, maybe 18 years!!!!  So, when he suggested we meet for lunch there was no way I was going to say no!  It was pretty great.  The time flew by and before we knew it we had to go.  We agreed that this needs to happen more often.  Hopefully we can make that happen!
Zach and I at our Sr. Prom
 
Saturday was also Reagan's first U8 softball game.  She did really good!!  She got on base twice and played left center and second.  They all did really good and I'm pretty excited to see how much they will improve during the season.  That's what I love about coaching.  Seeing them improve and finally get it right is so awesome!! 
 
After the game we went to my mom's for an Easter dinner.  She makes THE BEST hot potato salad!! And tea.  She makes really good tea (yes mom, you really do).  The kids had a blast hunting for the golden egg.  It was such a great day!!
 
 
Sunday, as you all know was Easter.  Started off the day with Church and a great sermon.  Then too my dad's for the rest of the day.  It was such a beautiful day.  So beautiful that I didn't want to get out of the sun.  Proved to be a dumb decision on my part.  The top of my head is sun burned!!  My fault for not wearing anything on my head.  But dang it, my head gets so hot when I'm outside.  All in all, it was one of the best weekends I have had in awhile.  I felt good.  The weather was perfect.  The kids were able to get outside and run around.  Good times. 
 
 
I decided that I want to document my hair re-growth.  It seems that there isn't a lot of info out there on what to expect as far as a time frame on how fast (or slow) it will grow back.  So, I hope by documenting mine that I will be helping someone else in the future.  So, here goes with hair re-growth post #1.  The amazing photo was taken by my photographer-in-training husband.  Seriously.  I asked him to take a picture and he got all look to the left, look down, turn sideways on me.  I finally took my phone back and said I would do it myself.  He still ended up taking it, just not like I was posing for a glamour shot. 
 
This is two weeks of growth.  And yes, I am aware that I have one little patch of hair that is darker than the rest. 
 
And Just so I can end this post on a funny note I will tell you a story about work.  Today, just like any other day at work, guy gets out of jail and comes to see me first thing.  He says to me, in a loud voice, in a hallway full of people, "Hey Michelle.  I'm sorry to hear you got that cancer.  You's a good sweet girl."  I said, "It's all good.  No worries."  He says, "Well, we have all been talking about you in jail."  Ugh.  I said, "What?  Why in the world are you guys talking about me in jail?"  He says, "Well, we just were.  You got the cancer and all."  I just sort of laughed and replied, "Well, I'm not going anywhere so don't worry.  I like you guys too much to be anywhere else."  He then said, "You like all those guys out in the jail?"  I said, "Yes I do.  And I like you too.  Now sit down and let's go over this probation order." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  

Monday, April 14, 2014

Treatment 11, DONE!! One More To Go!!!!





Man, I'm getting so close.  One more treatment.  Unless you have been through chemo before I don't think I can explain in a way that you would understand how ready I am to be done.  Friday I had treatment 11 of 12 and was blessed to have my great friend Kristy with me.  We laughed a lot.  And talked a lot.  And she learned alot, if she wanted to or not!!  The nurse was explaining how hard they hit Lymphoma patients and she totally nailed it.  She described it as getting knocked down, then coming back up to about 80% of where you started, then getting knocked down again every other week until by the time the patient is finished with treatment they are only bouncing back to probably 50% or less than where they started.  And she explained how chemo kills all the fastest growing cells, including in the digestive system.  Which is why the nausea and reflux and all that other great digestive stuff happens, and why food doesn't taste good (except for salsa.  That tastes good to me.  And vinegar.  Weird but true).  


Treatment 11 started out with a minor mishap.  On days that I see Dr. Stephens the nurse that calls me back sets up my port and draws blood from it.  Has always worked like a charm.  Except this time.  I forgot to put my numbing cream on again, so it hurt like crap when she stuck my port.  Then, she couldn't get any blood to come out...said I must have a blood clot in my chest.  I'm thinking well that can't be good.  So she doubled the normal dose of Heparin to try and thin out the suspected clot.  Nothing.  So, eventually, she gave up and just drew blood from my arm.  She asked if that was OK and I said, "Sure.  What's another needle poke.  I've been stuck with so many needles at this point I don't even care anymore."  So, that's how that went.  When I saw Dr. Stephens he said that the problem was more than likely not a clot, rather a port issue.  He said that by the end of treatment alot of times tissue starts to grow over the port, causing problems getting anything out but doesn't cause any issues with getting treatment in.  That made me feel better.  I was thinking CRAP!!!  A blood clot in my chest?!?!?  Dr. Stephens always makes me feel better.  He knows how horrible chemo makes me feel and he apologizes to me for having to send me back to the chemo room everytime.  But this was the last time he has too!!!  I won't see him next time, so the next time I see him I will be getting PET scan results.  Which, by the way, is set for May 23.  I'm anxious and excited for that day all at the same time.  He said I will schedule the port removal surgery after that.

Speaking of getting back to normal, I've been thinking more and more and more about starting my next 90 day challenge, my fitness and meal plans.  I wish I could start now!!!  I'm thinking by mid-May I will be back at it.  Dr. Stephens said that it will take a little time to feel back to my old self, but has no reason to believe that by the end of July I won't be feeling wonderful again.  I have said it several times before but I can't wait to get back into my workout routine.  I'm so jealous of my brother, sister-in-law, and a few good friends who get to work out whenever they want.  I would give almost anything to be able to do what they are doing.  They need to be put on notice though:  guys, get out your pen and paper and get ready to take notes.  Because when I'm back, you will wish you had!!!!  Hahaha.  I'm only kind of kidding!!!
Soon, very soon I will be back to taking workout selfies!!!  I know you all just can't wait!!


Oh.  One more thing before I end this post.  I am so over wearing things on my head.  It's getting warm outside, and my head doesn't like being hot.  Today, I was so so close to just letting everyone bask in my baldness.  Had we not had Court I probably would have.  The only thing holding me back is freaking everyone out.  You know, it's not everyday you see a bald girl walking around.  But really, I get awkward stares everywhere I go anyway.  So what's the difference?  And I think I have been without hair so long now that I have finally accepted that it's who I am and if you don't like the way I look then turn your damn head.  I don't think I am going to shave it anymore, just let it start growing.  With only one more treatment it isn't going to grow long enough to start falling out again before I'm done.  So, one day soon I'm just going to leave my house as I am.  Maybe not tomorrow though, since it's supposed to maybe snow again?  What??? If they are calling for snow that means cold which means my head will thank me for covering it.  We shall see I guess. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

A Great Weekend and A Decision Needs To Be Made

 
 
So much fun!!  That's how my weekend was!  My sister-from-another-mother Melodie wanted to do something for us to celebrate my ALMOST DONE WITH CHEMO milestone.  So, Reagan and I drove to Nashville to hang.  Saturday she took us to her pottery studio for a tour, and ended up giving Reagan a lesson in how to "throw" clay.  Reagan was very interested in what she was doing and asked a lot of questions. 
 


Melodie does amazing work.  Here is just a sample of what she does:
 


 
Sunday we went to brunch at Mere Bulles.  OMG!!!  This place is incredible!!  They had the most amazing brunch I have ever experienced.  All the normal breakfast foods plus Crème Brulee French Toast, Crepes, fruit, salads, fish, soup (I had the She-Crab bisque...holy geez it was good and I don't even like crab!!!) and a bunch of other stuff that I'm forgetting right now.  If you are ever in Nashville, make the trip to Brentwood.  It's totally worth it.  And they have this chocolate fountain:
 
After brunch we were off to see Wicked!!!  Can't even begin to say how much I loved this musical!!!  Reagan really enjoyed it too.  Surprisingly, Jeremy wants to see it  and since Emily didn't get to go with us I guess I will just have to find some time that we can go back!!! 
 
Melodie did a great job celebrating my ALMOST BEING DONE WITH CHEMO (I keep putting that in all caps because I am silently yelling it to the world!!!!).  She didn't have to do any of this but she insisted.  Thanks for a great weekend Mel!!!!  Love you!
 
Us, 20 years ago...
 
Speaking of Jeremy, I need your help.  We are celebrating our 15th anniversary this year.  The original plan was to take a cruise without the children (we love them, but no they aren't going).  Then I got cancer and well that changed pretty much any and all plans we had made that involved anything to do with life.  Once I received the news that I was in remission, we started talking about going on an anniversary vacation again.  Only this time my precious husband changed his mind and wanted to go to Gatlinburg.  Don't get me wrong, I think Gatlinburg is great.  But I don't want to go there.  Now, as of yesterday, we have scratched that idea and moved forward to a beach.  He says he doesn't care what beach, he just wants water and sun.  I mean, he is sooooooo helpful.  That totally narrows it down.  I guess he did actually give me names of beaches.  Daytona, Panama City, Myrtle Beach.  Hmmm.  All college party beaches.  Interesting.  I'm certain it's just a complete coincidence and he really isn't thinking about college girls. 
 
I've been looking at different places.  What I REALLY want to do is go here: Probably the most romantic place in the world.  A girl can dream, right??  Then I thought this looked wonderful:
But someone won't fly.  So I started looking in the great old of US of A so as to avoid airplanes.  Problem:  Everywhere I want to go requires many hours in a car.  So I want to fly.  Ugh.  I found this in Key West:  At $1000/night money is a bigger issue than a plane.  So here is where you come in.  Have you ever been to an all-inclusive resort and loved it?  And it didn't break the bank?  I'm pretty sure I can get Mr. NoFly to get on a plane if I can show him pretty pictures of water and sun and a pretty girl or two.  What about cruises??  What cruise line do you love?  Beaches in the United States that we wouldn't have to fly too??  Any and all suggestions welcome to make this 15th anniversary/no more cancer trip a great one!!  Thanks in advance!
 
 
 
 
 


Thursday, April 3, 2014

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night



How does that saying go??  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?  Um...Ok.  I'll go with that.  And hope that it's true.  I'm not exactly sure how feeling like I have the last two days (especially yesterday) is going to make me stronger, but whatever.  I guess maybe it will work out like this:  In about a month, the chemo meds should be leaving my body.  And I will feel like a million bucks.  And I will never, ever again take feeling good for granted.  I'm confident that's how this is all going to play out.  
 
I have never felt as bad as I did yesterday.  I will spare whoever is reading this all the details of my crappy day, but just know that it was a day that I don't think I would even wish upon my worst enemy.  Seriously.  The nasty things that chemo does to a person, the things that most people don't know about, those are the things that got me yesterday.  Ugh.  It's really pretty ridiculous.  And I do not like to complain about what I've got going on, and usually when asked how I am doing, I just say "fine."  But yesterday, oh boy.  I made sure EVERYONE knew that I felt bad.  Partly because I wanted to warn anyone who crossed my path that they may want to go another direction for their own safety, and partly because, well, I just wanted to let someone know how bad this SUCKS!!!  Not even the computer guy was safe!!  I was probably a little too rude to that guy.  But, you know, it wasn't an emergency and I didn't even ask him to fix my computer!!  
 
Meant in the nicest possible way of course
 
Throughout this whole journey I have never called my doctor.  Until today.  Still not feeling right so I called late this afternoon.  I told the nurse all the symptoms I was having and she consulted with my doctor.  She told me that Dr. Stephens told her that he reviewed my lab work from last week, and combined with what I was describing he just thinks that my body is wore out from being hit with chemo every two weeks.  And he told her to tell me to hang in there, keep fighting, it is almost over.  Oh, and to stay hydrated because he is pretty sure I'm not drinking enough.  So, I guess I will just suck it up because that's the only choice I have.  And click my heals together and say, "This is making me stronger.  This is making me stronger."
 
 
 
Before I end this blog post, I have to talk about a girl who has fought a tough battle with breast cancer.  Her name is Megan Rosbottom.  I went to high school with Megan, she dated my best friend for what seemed like EVER, and we became friends through her relationship with him.  That and sports.  I specifically remember being at her house one day and we were just sort of hanging out in her room.  She had these little statues of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  I wanted them and even tried to convince her to give me at least one dwarf.  She wouldn't do it.  Wouldn't even consider it.  I'm not really sure why that sticks out in my mind, but I have been thinking about that a lot the past few days.  That along with other things.  See, Megan was told recently that her breast cancer has spread to her brain.  She is no longer undergoing treatment.  She is at home, under constant sedation, no longer in any pain, resting comfortably.  Megan is 35.  She is married and has two beautiful baby girls.  My heart aches for Megan's family.  And I feel horrible for complaining about feeling bad.  What right do I have to complain?  What I'm going through is nothing compared to what Megan's family is dealing with right now.  And Megan, well, she never complained about how bad things were.  At least not too me.  I've had a few conversations with her since November about cancer and chemo and hair loss and night sweats.  She never complained about it.  Ever.  She just talked about it like you would talk about your favorite ice cream.  It was all just a part of her life.  My goal is to finish out my journey with Megan's strength and attitude.  This is my life.  And what I'm experiencing right now is a part of that life.  God bless you Megan.