Is It The Cancer Or The Chemo That Changes You??

Today I thought a lot about my pre-cancer days.  As I was looking through some pre-cancer photo's, I came across this video.

 

 

 

 

This was taken exactly 20 days prior to finding out I had cancer.  I felt amazing.  I was happy.  I had no idea I had cancer.  Not a clue.  It's amazing really.  I had cancer then.  I have cancer now.  But I'm definitely not the same. 

 

I was thinking about the day the Dr. called me and told me the diagnosis.  I waited very impatiently for that call.  When he finally called and told me I had cancer, he also said that what I had was also often referred to as "The Good Cancer."  Well, that maybe so, but I can assure you I didn't get the good chemotherapy.  I'm starting to believe that it isn't the cancer in and of itself that changes you.  It's what you have to go through to get rid of the cancer that changes everything.  Think about it.  I've had cancer for probably a year or so at this point.  The cancer didn't change me.  Chemotherapy did.

 

 

I don't know.  I really don't.  I mean, is it really necessary to shake me up to get me where I am supposed to be?  Because, really, I was fine right where I was.  And I would kind of like to go back there.  So, I'm actually hoping the plan isn't to relocate me.  I'm hoping the plan is to just wake me up  enough to make me appreciate where I am more than what I probably did.  To make me understand happiness.  To make me not take anything or anyone for granted.  To make me focus more on God and less on me.  To make me show love more.  To make me show my friends and family how much they mean to me.  To make me understand that life isn't about me at all; it's about God and his grace and mercy.  That's what I hope is really going on here.

 

During lunch today I received a message from a very good friend.  She was letting me know that she isn't doing so great, that she has a mass on her thyroid and they are doing a biopsy on Friday.  My heart sank when I read the message.  Totally turned my stomach.  I wanted to cry, and I would have had I not been the only girl at a table with eight men.  I am nervous for her.  And I told her that I wasn't going to tell her not to be scared nor was I going to tell her not to worry.  But I did tell her that I loved her. 

 

Music like this is good for the soul.

 

I have a friend that did get some good news this week.  My friend Megan has been battling breast cancer and got her PET Scan results on Monday.  The scan showed no active cancer!!!!  I was so happy to hear this!  She has been through so much and I admire the crap out of her.  For her to finally get some good news is incredible.  So happy for her.  What a relief.

 

You really never know what is going to happen.  Or when.  Or how.  I never dreamed I would have cancer.  But I do.  And I'm dealing with it the best I can (which hasn't been so great lately, but I'm working on that).  My friend Megan never thought she would be going through her battle either.  But she is and is winning.  And my good friend that told me her news today, I know how she is feeling right now.  She is nervous and scared and worried.  But, if the biopsy comes back with not so good news, I know she will fight too. 

 

I have felt great today.  And the people in my life continue to amaze me.  I received two gifts today.  One from my friend Ryan.  He made me this awesome Lymphoma paracord bracelet.  The other from the Indiana Fraternal Order Of Police State Auxiliary Board.  They sent me a card with a Lymphoma cancer ribbon pin.  Awesome gifts from incredible people.  

 

Romans 8:18 - I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.



   

 

 

 

Sometimes You Just Need A Little Sunshine

If nothing else, my chemo is VERY predictable.  Like clockwork.  I can tell you exactly how I'm going to feel physically every single day.  It's crazy.  And weird.  Things start going downhill on Sunday after chemo, then every day is gradually worse from there.  Wednesday will be the absolute worst.  Thursday is still bad.  Then I will wake up Friday morning and it will be like nothing every happened.  I will feel fine.  So bizarre.  Anyway, this past Friday was just like the rest.  Only difference was I got to spend some time with some pretty great people which made it better than most Friday's.  Went to lunch with my friend Jennifer (who I don't get to hang out with enough).  Definitely made for a great afternoon.  Friday night I went to dinner and then dancing with my pals Mandy and Joy.  We had a great time.  Had dinner at Angelo's downtown.  It was really good.  Need to plan a return trip for sure. 

Notice I said I can predict how I'm going to feel physically.  Notice I didn't say I can predict how I'm going to feel mentally.  That is a total crapshoot.  Every.single.day.  I never know.  Yesterday was rough for me.  Can't really put my finger on why.  I got to sleep in, didn't really have anything I had to do.  It was actually a pretty chill day.  I should have been happy and glad to have a day like that.  But I was in a funk that I couldn't shake.  Some days this just happens to me and it's totally random.  This never happened to me before chemo.  Pretty much never.  I was always happy.  Always positive.  Always able to push myself and motivate myself to get things done.  I'm not even kidding.  It was rare that I was unhappy or sad or mad.  But now.  Wow.  I don't like this unhappy crap.  When I get like this I just want to yell to whoever is in charge of fixing these things "MAKE IT STOP!!  JUST LET ME BE ME AGAIN ALREADY!!!"  But, really, I'm the one in charge of these things and I'm not a big fan of yelling at myself.  So I don't.  I just hope when I wake up the next day is better.  I don't just dislike it for me, I dislike it for everyone around me.  My husband, my kids, my friends.  It isn't fair to them when I'm like that.  Because I'm kind of mean and hateful.  Thank goodness the girls have Jeremy around to lighten up the mood.

Good thing today was Sunday, because I needed to go to Church!!  Church helps.  It really, really does.  The sermon today was just what I needed to hear.  And the day was already going better than yesterday.  Then, this happened.

 

She was everywhere.  Under the pew, on the pew, had to go to the bathroom, had to go get a drink.  Ugh.  Stress level increased quickly.  Almost left Church early.  I was reverting back to the Saturday Michelle.  The plan was to go grocery shopping after Church.  That changed.  I took the girls home then went by myself.  After that, the day got so much better!  It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for the soul. 

 

 

Jeremy got the girls outside and moving around while I was gone.  Emily was able to get a lot of pitching practice.  Reagan raked up this pile of leaves.  Then, a family game of basketball ensued.  This was a lot of fun!  It was me and Jeremy against Reagan and Emily.  Yes.  Teams were totally fair.  Even though I couldn't hit a shot to save my life, I think we still beat them.  That was the most physical activity I have had in a long time.  I loved it!!!!  Too bad it's going to be back to freezing temps tomorrow.  So glad we were able to enjoy today.

 

I love to bake.  Love it.   Specifically cupcakes.  And, if I do say so, I'm pretty darn good at it.  I enjoy it so much that I decided early this morning that I was going to try some new flavors today.  Not that I need the extra sugar but hey, why not, right?  I kind of forget everything else when I'm focusing on baking/decorating.  Relaxes me.  And that is hard to do these days.  I made chocolate/cherry and chocolate/caramel cupcakes.  The chocolate/cherry didn't turn out as I had planned, so those need some work.  But the chocolate/caramel turned out really good!! 

 

 

Now, I'm watching the Grammy's.  Not really sure what to think about it.  Metallica definitely just rocked it out.  But I'm old so It's probably expected that I would like them.   But really, what a good way to end the weekend.  With music.  I like music.  And I like being happy.  Let's hope I wake up tomorrow and the trend continues....





A Smile When I Needed It The Most

So, today was a normal Thursday after chemo day.  Just the normal nausea, really tired, and the all new side effect of the nasty metallic-like taste in my mouth.  The morning was just kind of blah really.  Wasn't feeling great, couldn't find ANYONE to go to lunch with me until finally my husband called me because his detail in Evansville got pushed back (ok.  I shouldn't say anyone because I really didn't ask every single person I could have.  But, those I did ask couldn't go, so I'll just say anyone).  I get back from lunch, and I'm still not feeling good.  I go in the bathroom and just look at myself in the mirror for a minute.  I suddenly hate my hair.  HATE it.  I decide the bald spots on the sides are hideous.  I take my headband out and discover my scalp is bright red and I have white flakes all over the place.  My hair is so thin and stringy.  Great I said to myself.  Just freaking great.  I'm at work and can do nothing to address this hair/scalp issue.  Irritated I return to my desk.  I turned around to get something out of my bag, and when I turned back around there is a woman standing right in front of my desk.  I had no clue she was there.  Never heard her or saw her.  It scared the crap out of me!  I must have jumped because she said "Sorry.  Didn't mean to scare you."  She then introduced herself.  I had seen her before working in the Election Office but I had never spoken to her.  She proceeded to tell me that she wasn't sure why but she felt like she needed to tell me something.  I said OK.  She told me that yesterday her son was helping her move boxes and he saw me walking by.  She said he said to her "Who is that?  She is so pretty!"  I sort of laughed when she told me that.  I told her thank you for sharing that with me.  She said "Well, my son is in the 7th grade."  Awwww....I was smiling from ear to ear.  Completely made my entire day.  After she left, I immediately thought wow...God is at work here!!!!  I was so down on myself for how I look, and not even two minutes later this happened.  It was completely random.  And she even said she wasn't sure why she felt she needed to tell me. 

This morning soon after I got to work I received a card from my friend Jo Dawn.  She had called me yesterday (she does this often) to tell me that she was thinking about me and that she had read my last blog post.  She wanted to be sure that I knew it was OK to be angry and that I could come over and talk, cry, or whatever anytime I wanted.  So the card I received from her today was a handwritten version of what she told me yesterday :)  She is so supportive and tries her best to keep me positive.  Thanks Jo!!! 

Yesterday, my friend Tom called to tell me that he had thought of me and wanted to share an app I can put on my phone.  It's called Turning Point and has daily devotionals and you can also listen to clips from the radio show that they do.  He said he had heard one clip in particular where the guy had cancer and he was talking about how God turns negatives into positives.  The app has been downloaded.  Now I just need to listen to that clip. 

My friend Ashley asked me yesterday if I would help her and a few others out.  She said they were doing a 28 day weightloss challenge and they wanted me to hold them accountable.  I said of course!  Ashley knows that I'm passionate about health/fitness and helping others attain their goals, so I'm sure she knew I would say yes!  I told her that I've always wanted to be Jillian Michaels!  Hahaha.  So this morning when I got to work there was a Subway breakfast sandwich sitting on my desk with two notes attached, one of which said "Thanks Jillian!" 

It's no secret I've been down on myself lately.  Down on my appearance, struggling to get my positive thoughts back, upset because I can't workout and do what I love.  And then I go back and read what I just typed here.  God is speaking to me all the time and I don't even realize it!!  I think I look hideous, but a 7th grade boy who doesn't know me thinks I'm pretty; Jo Dawn is certain I will be OK and that I don't have to be positive nor should I be every hour of every day because I'm fighting a battle every day right now and that's hard; Ashley asking me to help is a way to do what I love; and Tom, well, he has been my friend forever and I know for certain he wants me to realize that God is helping me out even when I don't feel that way. 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  And I believe that yesterday and today little things happened to me and for me simply because God has my back.  And He is going to make sure I'm going to be OK :)