It's Not All Rainbows and Butterflies

I have debated a long while about this post.  Should I or shouldn't I post.  Why is it even a debate?  Because something inside me has changed.  It's like a breaker has tripped and shut off the pathway for positive, happy thoughts to get to my brain.  For the first time since my diagnosis I'm not all rainbows and butterflies.  The last couple of days when someone asks me how I'm doing, I say good.  But that's not true.  I'm not sure what other answer to give.  Because, really, when someone asks that question, they aren't expecting to hear anything other than that.  I'm certain that if I answered truthfully they would run away.  And I really don't want to bring anyone else down.  So, I just smile and lie.  But today, I thought maybe I should come clean.  Maybe I shouldn't lie anymore.  Maybe letting everyone know that I'm sort of pissed off right now would not only help me, but maybe help anyone reading this understand.  Or, maybe everyone will run away.  I don't know.  That's why I am not even sure I should post this at all. 

To this point, I have been pretty upbeat about everything.  I will admit some days it's been easier  than others.  But right now, I'm not upbeat.  I'm pissed off.  I'm just angry that I have cancer and that I have to go through 8 more chemo treatments.  I'm angry that I can't work out.  I feel like if I could just go to my Steelers room and turn on my music and do what I do, I would feel so much better.  That I would feel better physically and mentally.  I'm angry that I've put on about 10 pounds.  I'm angry that I have to live my life on an every-other-week schedule.  I'm sad.  Just really sad.  I have a hundred questions running through my head.  I've had a hard time sleeping.  I really don't feel like eating much the last few days and that's odd because I'm still in my good week.  I'm angry that every other week I feel like absolute hell and basically check out of life for that entire week. This is hard on my kids and my husband.  And I hate that they are having to deal with all of this.  

And my hair.  Holy geez.  I'm stuck smack in the middle of Just Shave It and Give It More Time.  I get this thought in my head that I'm over it and I'm shaving it and I'm 100% certain that that is exactly what I'm going to do.  Last time this happened was at 7:30 this morning.  After staring at myself in the mirror for about ten minutes and thinking how ridiculous I looked with my straggly, thinning hair with some patches missing and other parts so thin you can see my scalp, I told myself that tonight it was happening.  Tonight I was shaving it off.  And I left and went to work convinced that's what I was going to do.  Well, Give It More Time won the battle today.  Again.  This battle has been fought probably three times already.  I'm pretty sure Just Shave It will win very soon.  The odds are in its favor.

I have already started dreading Friday.  All day today I kept thinking how I had one more day to feel good before I would feel horrible again.  Up until this point, I've been accepting of Chemo Friday as a part of the process.  But today I was just pissed about it.  I don't want to go.  Not even a little.  Actually, I've been thinking of reasons to not go.  But I can't come up with any reason logical enough.  I mean, it's back to the whole go and kill the cancer or don't and let the cancer kill you.  So, I'll go.

I seriously need to get this breaker fixed before all this negativity gets the best of me and I can't dig out from under it.  I have been told that the effects of chemo are cumulative and just sort of get worse as time goes on.  Maybe that's what going on.  Maybe the chemicals have just overloaded my brain to the point it doesn't care anymore.  I wish I knew where all my positive thoughts went.  I prefer being happy and upbeat.  These feelings of anger and sadness are not my cup of tea. 

I finally broke down and told Jeremy all of this earlier tonight.  I have talked about it but not gone off about it like I did tonight.  I try really hard to be as positive as I can be around here for him and the girls.  But I'm not joking when I say that I'm just angry right now.  So I decided I would tell him how I really feel instead of trying to keep hiding it.  He stared at me for a minute then told me that everything I was saying was reminding him of his mom when she got to the point where she started getting ticked off with chemo.  But he said that she told him she needed to quit complaining because if granny and pop were still alive they would keep doing it to live as long as she had.  She is so right.  My life could be so much worse.  I just need to refocus.  Not sure how I'm going to do that, but I will.  And I will be OK.  I know I will.  It just seems that the end is not in sight. 

I'm not going to apologize for this one.  Because this is the truth.  This is how cancer is affecting me right now.  And I guess I need to talk about it.  Even if it is just typing words on my computer.  And since I've probably got everyone reading this ready to pop some anti-depressants I need to lighten the mood.  So I will end with this. Enjoy.