War and Weaponry

   So, word on the street is my cancer is in remission.  I mean that literally...on the street.  I had a client come in today and congratulate me on my remission (good to know that my fans are keeping track of me).  If this is a correct statement, then why am I not super duper excited?  Why am I not turning cartwheels and starting a conga line??  Why am I not skipping everywhere I go?  ANSWER:  Chemotherapy.  Think of it like this:  cancer cells are my enemy and the chemical cocktail I receive every other week is my weapon.  Seems as though I have the upper hand here.  And I do.  The problem is my weapon doesn't just destroy cancer cells.  It destroys good stuff too.  

 

I really, really want to be super positive and happy about being in remission.  But, I'm just going to tell the truth.  CHEMOTHERAPY IS HARD!!!  AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT DIE!!  It is hard to be excited when you are bald, your eyelashes and eyebrows are just now starting to fall out, your gaining weight, the nausea is unbearable, your so tired you don't want to move, your skin is all wacked, you have night sweats so bad you have to change clothes in the middle of the night, and you just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone every other week.  Now, I'm not trying to downplay the miracle that has happened to me.  I totally get it.  And I am very humbled, grateful, and blessed by the grace of God to have been given another shot at this thing called life.  I just need to explain why I may not seem as excited as the rest of my family and friends. 

This is the absolute truth.  And thank the Lord mine don't leave me alone!!!!  I have tried to explain all this non-excitement stuff to a few of my friends this week and they seem to get it.  But, I'm sure as they are listening to me complain they are actually thinking I'm a total a**hole for not popping streamers everywhere I go.  But, even so, they are supporting me in spite of myself.  They seem to understand that even though my cancer in is remission, I'm still fighting.  I'm still at war.  My body is still being torn apart. 

 

Four more treatments.  Four isn't many since I started with twelve.  Four also seems like an eternity.  Feels like I may never be finished.  I know the end is in sight, though.  And, once I reach that 12th treatment, and I finally complete chemotherapy, I will be super excited.  Well, maybe not until the week after, once I feel human again, but I will be so happy!  And then, I will be ready to celebrate life!!!!  I can't wait for my celebration party, which by the way, is already in the planning stages.  I'm being told it's going to be the party of the year!!  Yay for great parties!!!

 

Even though this seems like a huge downer of a post, it really isn't.  Because I actually am a positive person.  I actually said these words to my husband just this morning, "The sun comes up every single day whether we want it too or not.  It's up to you how that day goes.  You can be happy or sad, your choice.  I've chosen to be sad at times and I get it.  But, really, don't stress.  Just do what you can and carry on."  He looked at me, smiled, then gave me a hug.  Pretty good way to start the day I think!