So this round of chemo is kicking my rear end. Blurred vision, serious night sweats, mouth sores, headaches, nausea, so freaking tired...you know, all the good stuff that comes with cancer. And I'm only three days out. Usually the side effects aren't too awful until Wednesday after. I seriously hope this trend doesn't continue, because, well, it's pretty crappy and I don't like it!!!
Want to hear some good news? My nephew was born this afternoon!! Grant arrived around 1:00pm and weighed in at 8lb 7oz. Everyone is doing great!! Can't wait to meet him! It may be a bit being as they are in Memphis, TN, but hopefully soon!
Speaking of babies. I have been wanting to post about this for awhile but didn't really know how to work it in. So this seems like as good a time as any. It's really weird. I was certain I didn't want any more children. I knew this right after Reagan was born. Really never doubted that two was all I wanted. Even when Dr. Stephens talked to us about having more children, we were both really quick to say NO!!! He wanted us to be sure, because he said we needed to harvest eggs even if there was a small chance we might change our mind. We again said NO!! And so we forged ahead with chemo. Knowing that baby days were forever over. And I was perfectly OK with that. I mean, we decided two years ago that Jeremy would fix the issue of having babies. And he did. But recently, it seems as though everyone around me is buzzing with baby news. Right after I was diagnosed some of our close friends had twins (and they are the cutest babies I have ever seen). Then, about a month after that, we found out some more really close friends were expecting, even though it wasn't planned. A month after that we found out even more of our closest friends were expecting again. And, two weeks ago another bestie tells me she's expecting again. Then tells me a few days ago she thinks she is farther along than she realized. May even be four months already!!
What's the point of this rambling baby nonsense? Well, I have been sort of bummed about not being able to have any more babies the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure babies are the real issue though. I think it's more of a jealousy issue. Like, in my head I'm saying, "Hey. Why do they get babies and I get cancer and chemo? Why do they get morning sickness brought on by a new life, and I get sickness brought on by something that can kill me?" I even told that to one of the pregnant friends one day when she asked how I was. I actually said to her, "Well, maybe the doctor is wrong. Maybe I'm actually pregnant and that's why I feel so crappy." Wishful thinking, right?
I don't know. I think I need a therapist. Or just a night out with my husband and our friends. We haven't done that in awhile. Or a vacation. Or both. Or all three. Hell I don't know. I do know that I am very happy for all of these friends that really are more like family. Seeing others excitement and joy does make me feel good. Because I truly care about all of them and want them to be happy. I love them all so much.
Oh. I had another surprise visit to my office today. My friend Janice stopped by and dropped this off:
You know, it's funny. There was a time when I was 100% certain that Janice was going to kill me. Ok. Maybe not kill me. But at least slash my tires. I was terrified for the longest time. See, I had to wear this huge brace on my right knee after I tore my ACL in high school. Our basketball coach had a rule that I had to tape the metal sides so I didn't cut anyone. Well, I failed to follow directions during a practice and I was guarding Janice and, well, I sort of sliced her leg open. Coach was not happy. I thought my life was over. I was just waiting for her to meet me in the parking lot and end it for me. We talked about this incident again today and she just laughed. She doesn't even remember it. Thank goodness!!!
Even though I feel terrible today, I feel blessed. Every day my eyes are opened more and more to the people in my life who care so much. And I never knew before now how much they cared. Or how much I have touched there life. See, I get so many messages through text and Facebook every single day from people telling me that I have inspired them over the years and that I continue to do so. I had no idea. No clue. And these are people that I haven't talked to ever in some instances. Others I haven't talked too in years. I received a Facebook post on my wall the other day, and I will share it here now:
You
are amazing! I didn't really know you that well in school. But through
Facebook I've learned so much. Those people that you interact with
everyday in your life are very lucky! Your an amazing woman. You give so
many hope with your inspirational blog and all the selfless hours you
have given to individuals wanting to change their life. Like you said,
and I'm sure it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. Your human and
we get that, but you always see good in all your challenges. I thank
you for sharing those with me. You make me want to be a better person!
How do I respond to that? I mean, I was floored when I read it. I had no idea. I am so thankful she shared this with me. It really did lift me up when I was feeling down. These types of messages always seem to come at just the right time. This kind of stuff inspires me to keep going. And I share this message with all of you reading this blog right now not to brag or boast. I share it because you never know who is watching you. You don't know who you are inspiring. So, keep doing what you do. You never know who's life you may be changing just by being you.
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