A Clown, Balloons, and Midget Monopoly

Before we begin, you must listen to this song to get the full effect of my chemo day.  Now.  Now you are ready for this.  And leave it playing as you read.  Just do it.  Don't be weird.

 

 

I'm pretty sure I KNOW I have the best friends on the entire planet.  There are some people who have to take a taxi to and from chemo.  They can't find ANYONE, not even one person who cares enough to even give them a ride.  I have seen it personally.  I can't imagine how much more difficult dealing with all of this would be mentally if I was in that situation.  Thank God I am not.  Not even close.  I honestly have friends waiting to take me.  Some old friends, and some new.

 

  The post at the top of this blog is 100% true.  It's easy.  So easy to tell someone you care, to tell someone you like them, to hang out with someone and consider them your friend.  So easy.  But when that word "friend" is put to the test, that's where the truth will reveal itself.   The saying "Actions speak louder than words" should be hanging on my wall somewhere.  I say it alot and I believe in it 100%  Words are just that,words.  Don't really mean anything until you do what you say or when your behavior matches your words.  If you tell me that you care about me, or you tell me that you want to help me and will do anything I ask or need you to do, then when the time comes to follow up on your word and you come up with excuses you can't, that behavior tells me all I need to know. 

 

 A true friend won't be too busy to help you out when times get bad.  A true friend won't suddenly shut you out when things get weird.  A true friend won't make excuses as to why they can't take you to chemo or why they can't do whatever it is you need.  A true friend is someone you haven't talked to in years but is messaging you and telling you that if you need anything at all, even someone to take you to chemo they will do it.  A true friend is someone who strait out asks you if they can go with you or if you just want them to come over and hang out for awhile.  They will set dates weeks in advance for you to go out with them because they know that's when your good day will be and they want you to have fun and smile. They don't have excuses.  Ever.  They always find a way.  A true friend starts a t-shirt fundraiser for you that you know nothing about.  Or a virtual 5k you know nothing about.  Or they send you texts daily asking how you are, can they do anything, telling you they are thinking of you and can't wait for you to get better.  They send you FB messages on random days saying Hey, I miss you and think and pray for you every single day and can't wait until we can get together again.  They send you pictures daily of their new twin babies because they know those pictures will melt your heart and make you smile on even your worst day. They call you at 7:30 on a Friday night just to check on you even when they aren't feeling well either (yeah, that just happened). 

 

 They are men, women, cousins, brothers, sister-in-laws, parents, aunts.  Some of my very best and closest friends are guys.  And surprisingly, even guys care about others.  Hahaha.  They actually get it.  They understand life is hard and they have my back, like a brother.  I had an hour long conversation with one a week or so ago.  Just being able to talk helped so much.  He didn't have to talk to me that long.  He is super busy and I am certain he had tons of other things to do, but he took the time.  And that means a lot to me. 

 

Insert link to a song for all my true friends here. And I really do love all of you.  That's the truth.  click here. (I know.  Fox and the Hound.  Just trying to keep this post kid friendly ;)

 

This song works too and he gives an AMAZING concert.

 

  A true friend can be someone you have known forever, may have just met, or someone you have known just for a few years, like my friend Courtney the Clown (hahaha) who went with me today.  We haven't been friends very long, but you can't tell it.  The lady next to us today wanted to know if we were sisters.  She said it appeared that way.  We just laughed and said no, just friends.  That made me feel so good.  The fact that we were having so much fun together (at the most depressing place on earth, mind you) tells me something about or relationship.  It works.  And it's fun.  And we will be friends forever.  She is the real deal.  And, I am not one to trust people easily.  I'm kind of shy at first because I'm never sure who is real and who is fake and I don't want fake people knowing everything about me.  That's just not how I roll.  But, if I trust you, shy girl goes home and outgoing, lets go party and have fun Michelle come out.  And THAT Michelle will tell you anything you want to know.  And she will do anything for you.  ANYTHING.  I will find a way to help you or make your problem a little easier to handle.  Did Courtney have to take the whole freaking day off work for me?  NO.  Did she do it anyway?  YES!   This is what I'm talking about:

 

   

Absolutely no hesitation here

 

And, of course, she went and got me this #cracksandwich

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a requirement.

And this seems like the perfect place to introduce you all to this awesomeness.

 

Two weeks ago my BFF Mandy gave me a spa day.  That was tremendous.  Today, I was challenged to midget Monopoly.  A party with clowns and balloons would not be complete with something midget related now would it??

 

She said she won and I was sad.  I hate losing. 

But hang on a minute.  I don't really believe I lost now that I have come down off the Ativan and really thought about it.  She didn't count the money.  All she did was say "I totally beat you."  Then started putting it away.  Just wait Courtney the Clown.  Just wait.  When I get over all this chemo nonsense, I challenge you to a game of one on one basketball.  I will take you to school.  BAM!!!

 

She said to pose with my pole.  Hahahaha.  Well, OK.  Let's do it!!

 

 

So, I guess this post is mixed.  A little about clowns, balloons, and midgets and a lot about friends.  This is a topic I could go on about forever I think.  It has been said that you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most.  I believe this to be true.  And I choose carefully as I stated before.  I don't want to associate with people who appear sincere, but in reality they aren't.  Those people just tell you what you want to hear.  Their actions don't match their words.  That is a HUGE red flag to me.  And it ticks me off when people do that.  Don't lie to me.  And really, why would you say things you don't mean anyway??  Makes zero sense to me.  Zero.  I only say what I mean.  So I want to hang out with people who do the same thing.  I don't have time for games.  I also don't want to associate with people who don't really want to associate with me.  What good is that.  What I want is someone who doesn't lie to me, holds true to their word, finds me important enough in their life to make time for me even when its not convenient, will be by my side even when the chemo is gone, will laugh with me, cry with me, and will let me tell them anything I want and not judge me and not tell anyone else.  And I am so happy to say that I have found those people.  LOTS of those people in fact.  I have more of those people in my life than I even knew about before cancer.  I honestly had no idea so many people truly cared for me until now.  So, I guess this is just one more reason God allowed me to have cancer.  So I would open my eyes and realize these things.  Realize that he has blessed me beyond measure.  Realize who my true friends are and who are not.  But, as luck would have it, I have MANY true friends.  And for those that I have realized are not.  That's ok.  It's actually good to know so  I don't make those people one of my five!! Silver linings people.  Silver linings in everything. 

 

 

 

And, well, I've always got The Man Upstairs on my side.  Always.  He isn't just in my 5.  He is #1.  Can't go wrong with that.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Men With Axes

  

I have a friend that is hilarious.  It's really the only reason I keep him around.  That and he is super positive all the time.  And he told me that when he thinks about my chemo, he likes to think that the chemo is actually little men with axes being pumped into by blood.  And those little men chop the cancer cells with axes.  Chop the crap out of it.  So now I picture these little men as oompa-loompas.  With axes of course.  And they may or may not sing in my thought process.

My BFF Mandy went with me to chemo today.  I warned her that it would be boring and she would have nothing to do for at least three hours.  Her response?  "Bring it."  So she went with me.  Let me just say that she is the most amazing person ever.  So lucky to have a friend like her.  Seriously.  She didn't have too, but she gave me a pedicure during my treatment!!!!! 



 



She is pretty amazing.  She even went and picked me up...wait for it...Chic Fil A!!!!!  This poor girl.  I warned her that once they give me Ativan I get a little, well, DRUNK.  She laughed.  Made fun of me.  I didn't care.  I laughed back.  That stuff will make you absolutely goofy as hell. (or maybe its just me). Whoever brings me to chemo the next 9 times is going to have to try super hard to beat this chick on the awesome friend scale!!!

 

 

 Looks excited, right??   I warned her. 

 

 

During the chemo selfie I got photo bombed!!!

 

 

Getting the chemotherapy treatment is relatively easy.  No major drama there.  Did blood work, saw Dr. Stephens, who by the way, was very pleased at the fact that you can BARELY fell the lymph nodes in my neck.  He said, "I know you described your first treatment as "IT SUCKED" and you are right it does.  But its working.  The next five months of your life are going to be hard road."  That is so very exciting to hear!!!!  It seems to be working!!!  But on the other hand, I feel like poo for two whole weeks a month.  But really what choice do I have?  It's either kill the cancer or let the cancer kill me.  No brainer.  So I will keep on trucking along. 

I forgot to mention when I originally posted this that my nurse came over to give us these to go along with our mini spa day.  They were delicious!

 

 

A little bit later another nurse came over and said "You look awful young to be in here.  Did they card you?"  If I were at a bar, I would have delighted in that question.  Being asked that at chemo sort of had the opposite affect.  I wanted to say, "As if I hadn't already realized that or thought of that a thousand times?"  I know she was just trying to joke around so I just smiled and played along.  Then she handed me this gift.  I love it!!  

 

 

I got tired pretty darn fast.  About to fall asleep as I type this.  Oh, and as soon as I got home, I broke out in a hivey rash.  That happens every time but usually takes a day or two.  This time it took about an hour.  Geez.  Took Benedryl though and it cleared that up.  And I didn't get my new batch of steroids to take at home.  Not sure what I'm going to be able to do about that.  Supposed to take them for four days after chemo.  FANTASTIC. 

 

GROSS

 

New nausea meds too.  Hopefully they help and don't knock me out.  Did I mention I feel drunk and tired??   Well, I do.  I need to go to bed before I say something else stupid.  Stupid is the proper way to define me right now.  My thoughts are random and when I try to ask a question it doesn't come out right and evidently you can 't understand me either.  Jeremy just stares at me like I'm a complete jackass and then starts laughing.   Oh the joys of marriage!  hahahaha

 

I forgot to mention in my original post something I had written down then forgot to look at my notes before I posted this.  Someone told me early this week that I look better now than before I started treatment.  For a split second I was kind of offended by that, then I quickly realized that this was a great thing.  To me, this means that the cancer was getting to me not just inside but outside as well.  But now, now that those little men with axes have started doing their thing and chopping up the cancer, I'm getting better.  Both inside and outside.  So that's good!! 

 

Geez I'm tired!  This blog post is now officially over.

 

CRAM IT UP YOUR CRAM-HOLE CANCER!!!!



 

 



 

 

 



 

 

 

 

I will never forget this day, ever

November 1, 2013
Throughout my 36 years of life, I have experienced many moments that I will always remember.  Some good, some bad.  Overtime, I have forgotten specific details of many of those moments, although I still remember the event.  Today, I experienced a moment that I am 100% certain I will always remember.  Even the tiny details.  Even as I type this (it's not really 11/1 right now) I remember every.single.thing.  It was Friday afternoon at 3:55pm.  My cell phone rang while I was walking out of my bedroom toward the steps to go to the kitchen.  Jeremy was in the kitchen.  Reagan was in the living room watching Disney and Emily was downstairs on the computer.  I looked at my phone.  No Caller ID it said.  Crap.  Although I had been waiting for this call for two days, I suddenly didn't want to answer it.  I knew it was Dr. Wahle (my Ear, Nose, and Throat surgeon) or his nurse calling with the results of my biopsy.  I sat down on the steps and answered the phone.  It was Dr. Wahle himself.  Crap.  I instantly knew this wasn't going to be a good conversation.  Why else would the Dr. call and not the nurse.  Dr. Wahle proceeded to tell me that he had just received the results of my biopsy.  (Note:  On 10/30 I underwent surgery to have an enlarged lymph node removed from my neck.  I will explain how I got to that point in a later post.)  "I removed the largest node from your neck.  There were several but I took the largest" he said.  "You have Hodgkins Lymphoma" he said.  It was at this moment that time just sort of stopped.  He continued to talk, but I wasn't really hearing much.  I looked up and Jeremy was staring at me wanting to know what the Dr. was telling me.  I couldn't respond.  Even though I kind of already knew that he was going to tell me I had cancer, a part of me was still saying "Are you $%^&*#$ serious?" 

By the time I started to refocus the Dr. was talking about referring me to an oncologist and asking me who I wanted him to refer me too.  Uh....no clue.  Absolutely no clue.  So, I decide to let him refer me to a Dr. in Evansville.  I will explain the final decision to stay local in another post.  It was a big ordeal.  Anyway, that was that.  In a conversation that lasted less than 10 minutes I found out I had Hodgkins Lymphoma, that it's rare, and that I need to see an oncologist to figure out how I will be treated.    I hung up the phone, shocked.  I just sat there.  Jeremy came over to me and asked what he said.  I just looked at him and said "I have cancer."  Then came the tears.  He sat down next to me and hugged me.  After a few minutes, Reagan started yelling for me.  Time to get back to reality and deal with whatever drama she had created.  So, I wiped off the tears and carried on.  And that was that.