Is It The Cancer Or The Chemo That Changes You??

Today I thought a lot about my pre-cancer days.  As I was looking through some pre-cancer photo's, I came across this video.

 

 

 

 

This was taken exactly 20 days prior to finding out I had cancer.  I felt amazing.  I was happy.  I had no idea I had cancer.  Not a clue.  It's amazing really.  I had cancer then.  I have cancer now.  But I'm definitely not the same. 

 

I was thinking about the day the Dr. called me and told me the diagnosis.  I waited very impatiently for that call.  When he finally called and told me I had cancer, he also said that what I had was also often referred to as "The Good Cancer."  Well, that maybe so, but I can assure you I didn't get the good chemotherapy.  I'm starting to believe that it isn't the cancer in and of itself that changes you.  It's what you have to go through to get rid of the cancer that changes everything.  Think about it.  I've had cancer for probably a year or so at this point.  The cancer didn't change me.  Chemotherapy did.

 

 

I don't know.  I really don't.  I mean, is it really necessary to shake me up to get me where I am supposed to be?  Because, really, I was fine right where I was.  And I would kind of like to go back there.  So, I'm actually hoping the plan isn't to relocate me.  I'm hoping the plan is to just wake me up  enough to make me appreciate where I am more than what I probably did.  To make me understand happiness.  To make me not take anything or anyone for granted.  To make me focus more on God and less on me.  To make me show love more.  To make me show my friends and family how much they mean to me.  To make me understand that life isn't about me at all; it's about God and his grace and mercy.  That's what I hope is really going on here.

 

During lunch today I received a message from a very good friend.  She was letting me know that she isn't doing so great, that she has a mass on her thyroid and they are doing a biopsy on Friday.  My heart sank when I read the message.  Totally turned my stomach.  I wanted to cry, and I would have had I not been the only girl at a table with eight men.  I am nervous for her.  And I told her that I wasn't going to tell her not to be scared nor was I going to tell her not to worry.  But I did tell her that I loved her. 

 

Music like this is good for the soul.

 

I have a friend that did get some good news this week.  My friend Megan has been battling breast cancer and got her PET Scan results on Monday.  The scan showed no active cancer!!!!  I was so happy to hear this!  She has been through so much and I admire the crap out of her.  For her to finally get some good news is incredible.  So happy for her.  What a relief.

 

You really never know what is going to happen.  Or when.  Or how.  I never dreamed I would have cancer.  But I do.  And I'm dealing with it the best I can (which hasn't been so great lately, but I'm working on that).  My friend Megan never thought she would be going through her battle either.  But she is and is winning.  And my good friend that told me her news today, I know how she is feeling right now.  She is nervous and scared and worried.  But, if the biopsy comes back with not so good news, I know she will fight too. 

 

I have felt great today.  And the people in my life continue to amaze me.  I received two gifts today.  One from my friend Ryan.  He made me this awesome Lymphoma paracord bracelet.  The other from the Indiana Fraternal Order Of Police State Auxiliary Board.  They sent me a card with a Lymphoma cancer ribbon pin.  Awesome gifts from incredible people.  

 

Romans 8:18 - I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.



   

 

 

 

Sometimes You Just Need A Little Sunshine

If nothing else, my chemo is VERY predictable.  Like clockwork.  I can tell you exactly how I'm going to feel physically every single day.  It's crazy.  And weird.  Things start going downhill on Sunday after chemo, then every day is gradually worse from there.  Wednesday will be the absolute worst.  Thursday is still bad.  Then I will wake up Friday morning and it will be like nothing every happened.  I will feel fine.  So bizarre.  Anyway, this past Friday was just like the rest.  Only difference was I got to spend some time with some pretty great people which made it better than most Friday's.  Went to lunch with my friend Jennifer (who I don't get to hang out with enough).  Definitely made for a great afternoon.  Friday night I went to dinner and then dancing with my pals Mandy and Joy.  We had a great time.  Had dinner at Angelo's downtown.  It was really good.  Need to plan a return trip for sure. 

Notice I said I can predict how I'm going to feel physically.  Notice I didn't say I can predict how I'm going to feel mentally.  That is a total crapshoot.  Every.single.day.  I never know.  Yesterday was rough for me.  Can't really put my finger on why.  I got to sleep in, didn't really have anything I had to do.  It was actually a pretty chill day.  I should have been happy and glad to have a day like that.  But I was in a funk that I couldn't shake.  Some days this just happens to me and it's totally random.  This never happened to me before chemo.  Pretty much never.  I was always happy.  Always positive.  Always able to push myself and motivate myself to get things done.  I'm not even kidding.  It was rare that I was unhappy or sad or mad.  But now.  Wow.  I don't like this unhappy crap.  When I get like this I just want to yell to whoever is in charge of fixing these things "MAKE IT STOP!!  JUST LET ME BE ME AGAIN ALREADY!!!"  But, really, I'm the one in charge of these things and I'm not a big fan of yelling at myself.  So I don't.  I just hope when I wake up the next day is better.  I don't just dislike it for me, I dislike it for everyone around me.  My husband, my kids, my friends.  It isn't fair to them when I'm like that.  Because I'm kind of mean and hateful.  Thank goodness the girls have Jeremy around to lighten up the mood.

Good thing today was Sunday, because I needed to go to Church!!  Church helps.  It really, really does.  The sermon today was just what I needed to hear.  And the day was already going better than yesterday.  Then, this happened.

 

She was everywhere.  Under the pew, on the pew, had to go to the bathroom, had to go get a drink.  Ugh.  Stress level increased quickly.  Almost left Church early.  I was reverting back to the Saturday Michelle.  The plan was to go grocery shopping after Church.  That changed.  I took the girls home then went by myself.  After that, the day got so much better!  It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for the soul. 

 

 

Jeremy got the girls outside and moving around while I was gone.  Emily was able to get a lot of pitching practice.  Reagan raked up this pile of leaves.  Then, a family game of basketball ensued.  This was a lot of fun!  It was me and Jeremy against Reagan and Emily.  Yes.  Teams were totally fair.  Even though I couldn't hit a shot to save my life, I think we still beat them.  That was the most physical activity I have had in a long time.  I loved it!!!!  Too bad it's going to be back to freezing temps tomorrow.  So glad we were able to enjoy today.

 

I love to bake.  Love it.   Specifically cupcakes.  And, if I do say so, I'm pretty darn good at it.  I enjoy it so much that I decided early this morning that I was going to try some new flavors today.  Not that I need the extra sugar but hey, why not, right?  I kind of forget everything else when I'm focusing on baking/decorating.  Relaxes me.  And that is hard to do these days.  I made chocolate/cherry and chocolate/caramel cupcakes.  The chocolate/cherry didn't turn out as I had planned, so those need some work.  But the chocolate/caramel turned out really good!! 

 

 

Now, I'm watching the Grammy's.  Not really sure what to think about it.  Metallica definitely just rocked it out.  But I'm old so It's probably expected that I would like them.   But really, what a good way to end the weekend.  With music.  I like music.  And I like being happy.  Let's hope I wake up tomorrow and the trend continues....





A Smile When I Needed It The Most

So, today was a normal Thursday after chemo day.  Just the normal nausea, really tired, and the all new side effect of the nasty metallic-like taste in my mouth.  The morning was just kind of blah really.  Wasn't feeling great, couldn't find ANYONE to go to lunch with me until finally my husband called me because his detail in Evansville got pushed back (ok.  I shouldn't say anyone because I really didn't ask every single person I could have.  But, those I did ask couldn't go, so I'll just say anyone).  I get back from lunch, and I'm still not feeling good.  I go in the bathroom and just look at myself in the mirror for a minute.  I suddenly hate my hair.  HATE it.  I decide the bald spots on the sides are hideous.  I take my headband out and discover my scalp is bright red and I have white flakes all over the place.  My hair is so thin and stringy.  Great I said to myself.  Just freaking great.  I'm at work and can do nothing to address this hair/scalp issue.  Irritated I return to my desk.  I turned around to get something out of my bag, and when I turned back around there is a woman standing right in front of my desk.  I had no clue she was there.  Never heard her or saw her.  It scared the crap out of me!  I must have jumped because she said "Sorry.  Didn't mean to scare you."  She then introduced herself.  I had seen her before working in the Election Office but I had never spoken to her.  She proceeded to tell me that she wasn't sure why but she felt like she needed to tell me something.  I said OK.  She told me that yesterday her son was helping her move boxes and he saw me walking by.  She said he said to her "Who is that?  She is so pretty!"  I sort of laughed when she told me that.  I told her thank you for sharing that with me.  She said "Well, my son is in the 7th grade."  Awwww....I was smiling from ear to ear.  Completely made my entire day.  After she left, I immediately thought wow...God is at work here!!!!  I was so down on myself for how I look, and not even two minutes later this happened.  It was completely random.  And she even said she wasn't sure why she felt she needed to tell me. 

This morning soon after I got to work I received a card from my friend Jo Dawn.  She had called me yesterday (she does this often) to tell me that she was thinking about me and that she had read my last blog post.  She wanted to be sure that I knew it was OK to be angry and that I could come over and talk, cry, or whatever anytime I wanted.  So the card I received from her today was a handwritten version of what she told me yesterday :)  She is so supportive and tries her best to keep me positive.  Thanks Jo!!! 

Yesterday, my friend Tom called to tell me that he had thought of me and wanted to share an app I can put on my phone.  It's called Turning Point and has daily devotionals and you can also listen to clips from the radio show that they do.  He said he had heard one clip in particular where the guy had cancer and he was talking about how God turns negatives into positives.  The app has been downloaded.  Now I just need to listen to that clip. 

My friend Ashley asked me yesterday if I would help her and a few others out.  She said they were doing a 28 day weightloss challenge and they wanted me to hold them accountable.  I said of course!  Ashley knows that I'm passionate about health/fitness and helping others attain their goals, so I'm sure she knew I would say yes!  I told her that I've always wanted to be Jillian Michaels!  Hahaha.  So this morning when I got to work there was a Subway breakfast sandwich sitting on my desk with two notes attached, one of which said "Thanks Jillian!" 

It's no secret I've been down on myself lately.  Down on my appearance, struggling to get my positive thoughts back, upset because I can't workout and do what I love.  And then I go back and read what I just typed here.  God is speaking to me all the time and I don't even realize it!!  I think I look hideous, but a 7th grade boy who doesn't know me thinks I'm pretty; Jo Dawn is certain I will be OK and that I don't have to be positive nor should I be every hour of every day because I'm fighting a battle every day right now and that's hard; Ashley asking me to help is a way to do what I love; and Tom, well, he has been my friend forever and I know for certain he wants me to realize that God is helping me out even when I don't feel that way. 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  And I believe that yesterday and today little things happened to me and for me simply because God has my back.  And He is going to make sure I'm going to be OK :)

My Day Off

So I had the day off today.  After the girls got on the bus I did absolutely nothing except watch Extreme Couponing and Family Feud.  Have you EVER watched that couponing show??  I don't get it.  Why do you NEED over 1,000 tubes of toothpaste stockpiled?  Why do you NEED to purchase over $1000 in groceries?  Why do you NEED 150 bags of candy, over 100 little bowls of cereal, a cart full of deodorant, and 50 boxes of mac and cheese??  

 

After watching that mindless television, I flipped to Family Feud.  And wow.  It was Honey Boo Boo's family versus the Cake Boss family.  Mama June was relatively calm, but her daughter Pumpkin is just a tad crazy I think.  Buddy's family won.  I really couldn't take it anymore after that.  Even though it's day 4 after chemo and I really just felt staying covered up on the couch all day, I forced myself to do something.  Figured why not.  Feel bad at home or feel bad doing something that might bring my spirits up. 

 

My husband got me a Victoria's Secret gift card for Christmas, so I figured I would go see what I could find.  Let me tell you, flashback to June or July last year and I walk in that store and drop $100 like it's my job.  Everything looked awesome and I wanted it all.  Today, not so much.  I tried.  I really, really tried to convince myself that somehow I would look good in that stuff.  But that wasn't happening.  When you aren't feeling good about yourself it's hard to believe that anyone else would even want to see you in any of that.  I wandered around for what seemed like forever.  They had a deal today that if you spent at least $60 and at least one item was a fitness item, you got a free beach bag.  So, when the pretty girl behind the counter didn't give me my bag I asked about it.  She said I needed a fitness item.  When I told her I had a tank top from the table with the yoga pants and the advertisement for the bag, she said it didn't count but she would give me the bag anyway.  I said no, keep it.  I didn't want to be "that girl."  And, I had a $15 rewards card that I was going to use but it can't be used until...tomorrow.  Ugh. 

 

Down to Old Navy I go.  Find a couple things.  Kind of excited because I have $10 in Old Navy bucks.  I get up to the check out, whip out my bucks, and they can't be used until...tomorrow.  Ugh.

 

Then it's off to Lowes to get stuff to unclog my shower drain and sink in the bathroom (yes, hair clogs).  Best part of that trip was I walked around and remodeled my house.  Picked out countertops for the kitchen, found a few flooring options, carpet, blinds.  Yep, it's all planned out.  Now I just need to win the lottery and I will be all set. 

So, that's it.  I call today a success since I didn't sit on the couch all day.  Didn't accomplish anything that I should have, like cleaning and folding laundry.  But, who cares at this point.  Right??

 

 



Chemo #5

 

My friend Courtney sent me this tonight.  Just to let me know she was thinking of me. 

 

What a week this has been.  I had no idea my last blog post, that I wasn't even sure I should post, would receive such a massive response.  But, my friends never cease to amaze me.  The phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, cards, candy, flowers, gifts, etc...  If you follow my Facebook you have already seen these, but they are too beautiful to not repost!!

 

 

Melodie, Ashley, and Kristy thank you so much!!!

 

Everything each one of you did for me definitely helped make what has probably been by far one of the worst weeks of my life better.  And for that I am so grateful.  I can't even begin to tell you how much your effort to reach out to me in so many different ways means to me.  Just know that I wish I could do something to repay every single one of you.  I just don't know how, other than to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

 

So I get to work yesterday and my office partner Jason comes out of the bathroom wearing one of the Fight Like a Girl Shirts with my name on the back.  I thought that was pretty neat.  Then, he tells me I need to go visit the girls in the Clerk's office.  Ok.  So, I walk across the hall and see that they are ALL wearing the same shirt!!!  I was caught way off guard!  Again I wasn't sure what to say.  That seems to happen a lot lately.  This was so humbling for me to have all these people walking around the Courthouse with my shirt on.  It still seems surreal.  Like, it just won't register in my brain that all this stuff is to support me.  Maybe there is just a portion of my brain that is blocking it all out because it doesn't want to accept what is going on.  Kind of like the part of my brain that has blocked positive thoughts.  All I know for sure is that I have some of the most amazing people in the world in my life.  No doubt about it.

 

Yesterday was Chemo Friday #5.  I was so dreading it as you know.  To make a crappy week even crappier, I forgot to put my numbing cream on before I left!!!  I was freaking out.  I was dreading the port stick like crazy because I remember how bad it hurt the very first time.  But, as luck would have it, it didn't hurt that bad.  I worried for nothing.  So that was good.  After my port was all set, the nurse loaded me up with my normal goods.  

 

 

And I was really, really excited about it.

 

She had just given me Ativan before I took this.  Can you tell???

 

My step-sister Melodie drove in from Nashville just to go with me.  I love her so much.  She went and got me Chic-Fil-A (of course).  Then we just talked for three hours.  It was really nice to do that.  We don't ever get to be together enough.  I think we could have talked for three more!  I'm sure I didn't make much sense most of the time (because of the Ativan) but she didn't seem to mind.  We did find time to look at some of her wedding pictures too.  So that was fun.

Isn't she beautiful??

Sisters

 

She took me home, cooked us dinner, then took the girls back to my dads with her for a slumber party.  I fell asleep on the couch.  I was toast. 

 

Today I coached Reagan's last basketball game at halftime of the high school girls JV game.  They did so good!!  They have learned a lot and I'm so proud of them.  And I just love coaching.  I was so tired this morning but I wasn't going to miss that for anything! 

 

Tonight we surprised the girls with a trip to Gatti Town for getting all A's on their report cards.  They were surprised and had a great time.  We walked in and I immediately questioned my decision.  I was thinking "You moron.  Why would you go to one of the most germ infested places around the day after chemo?"  But it was too late to change my mind as we were already inside.  So, I just hit up every hand sanitizer station I saw.  Hopefully that does the trick and I don't end up sick. 

 

This next week is going to be so busy with basketball games, basketball practice, and pitching lessons.  And I'm going to try very hard to get those positive thoughts back.  Not sure it will happen during hell week, but I'm still going to keep working on fixing that breaker. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 



It's Not All Rainbows and Butterflies

I have debated a long while about this post.  Should I or shouldn't I post.  Why is it even a debate?  Because something inside me has changed.  It's like a breaker has tripped and shut off the pathway for positive, happy thoughts to get to my brain.  For the first time since my diagnosis I'm not all rainbows and butterflies.  The last couple of days when someone asks me how I'm doing, I say good.  But that's not true.  I'm not sure what other answer to give.  Because, really, when someone asks that question, they aren't expecting to hear anything other than that.  I'm certain that if I answered truthfully they would run away.  And I really don't want to bring anyone else down.  So, I just smile and lie.  But today, I thought maybe I should come clean.  Maybe I shouldn't lie anymore.  Maybe letting everyone know that I'm sort of pissed off right now would not only help me, but maybe help anyone reading this understand.  Or, maybe everyone will run away.  I don't know.  That's why I am not even sure I should post this at all. 

To this point, I have been pretty upbeat about everything.  I will admit some days it's been easier  than others.  But right now, I'm not upbeat.  I'm pissed off.  I'm just angry that I have cancer and that I have to go through 8 more chemo treatments.  I'm angry that I can't work out.  I feel like if I could just go to my Steelers room and turn on my music and do what I do, I would feel so much better.  That I would feel better physically and mentally.  I'm angry that I've put on about 10 pounds.  I'm angry that I have to live my life on an every-other-week schedule.  I'm sad.  Just really sad.  I have a hundred questions running through my head.  I've had a hard time sleeping.  I really don't feel like eating much the last few days and that's odd because I'm still in my good week.  I'm angry that every other week I feel like absolute hell and basically check out of life for that entire week. This is hard on my kids and my husband.  And I hate that they are having to deal with all of this.  

And my hair.  Holy geez.  I'm stuck smack in the middle of Just Shave It and Give It More Time.  I get this thought in my head that I'm over it and I'm shaving it and I'm 100% certain that that is exactly what I'm going to do.  Last time this happened was at 7:30 this morning.  After staring at myself in the mirror for about ten minutes and thinking how ridiculous I looked with my straggly, thinning hair with some patches missing and other parts so thin you can see my scalp, I told myself that tonight it was happening.  Tonight I was shaving it off.  And I left and went to work convinced that's what I was going to do.  Well, Give It More Time won the battle today.  Again.  This battle has been fought probably three times already.  I'm pretty sure Just Shave It will win very soon.  The odds are in its favor.

I have already started dreading Friday.  All day today I kept thinking how I had one more day to feel good before I would feel horrible again.  Up until this point, I've been accepting of Chemo Friday as a part of the process.  But today I was just pissed about it.  I don't want to go.  Not even a little.  Actually, I've been thinking of reasons to not go.  But I can't come up with any reason logical enough.  I mean, it's back to the whole go and kill the cancer or don't and let the cancer kill you.  So, I'll go.

I seriously need to get this breaker fixed before all this negativity gets the best of me and I can't dig out from under it.  I have been told that the effects of chemo are cumulative and just sort of get worse as time goes on.  Maybe that's what going on.  Maybe the chemicals have just overloaded my brain to the point it doesn't care anymore.  I wish I knew where all my positive thoughts went.  I prefer being happy and upbeat.  These feelings of anger and sadness are not my cup of tea. 

I finally broke down and told Jeremy all of this earlier tonight.  I have talked about it but not gone off about it like I did tonight.  I try really hard to be as positive as I can be around here for him and the girls.  But I'm not joking when I say that I'm just angry right now.  So I decided I would tell him how I really feel instead of trying to keep hiding it.  He stared at me for a minute then told me that everything I was saying was reminding him of his mom when she got to the point where she started getting ticked off with chemo.  But he said that she told him she needed to quit complaining because if granny and pop were still alive they would keep doing it to live as long as she had.  She is so right.  My life could be so much worse.  I just need to refocus.  Not sure how I'm going to do that, but I will.  And I will be OK.  I know I will.  It just seems that the end is not in sight. 

I'm not going to apologize for this one.  Because this is the truth.  This is how cancer is affecting me right now.  And I guess I need to talk about it.  Even if it is just typing words on my computer.  And since I've probably got everyone reading this ready to pop some anti-depressants I need to lighten the mood.  So I will end with this. Enjoy.

 

A Special Post For Officer Jason Ellis. May He Rest In Peace.

 

This post is going to be way different than the rest.  Tonight I'm focusing on law enforcement.  Specifically the death of Bardstown, Kentucky police officer Jason Ellis.  On May 25, 2013 in the early morning hours, Officer Ellis was headed home from his shift working for the Bardstown Police Department just like hundreds of mornings prior.  Only, on this morning, Officer Ellis would never make it home.  While his wife and two young sons slept, he was gunned down on Exit 34.  He died where he fell.  There have been no arrests made in this case.  After hundreds of leads and thousands of interviews, there still remains no suspect.  I have followed this case from day 1, but today, reading the following report, it really it home.  So much of what is described matches almost identically to what has and what does happen in my life daily.  It's really sort of eerie for me.  Her routine.  His routine.  Her reactions. His reactions.  The unanswered phone calls.  The forgotten goodbye kiss.  The conversations she has with her friends.  The conversations he has with his best friend who just happens to be one of his shift partners.  This story could just as easily use the names Michelle and Jeremy.  I am not kidding.  Please, read this now Exit 34. 

September, 2013 at the funeral of Indianapolis Metro Police Officer Rod Bradway

 

I can't even begin to imagine the grief Mrs. Ellis is going through.  It would be hard enough to deal with knowing who did this and why.  I talked to Jeremy about this earlier.  We discussed different theories and what type of person would do something like this.  You know, Jeremy (just like every other police officer out there) is threatened often and defendants say very intimidating things all the time.  Most of the time you just chalk it up to they were drunk, high, crazy, etc...  You don't ever really let yourself think that they were serious or that they would ever really do what they said.  But how do you know?  Answer:  You don't.  And yet, even though our Officers never really know what's going to happen, they show up for work anyway.  I wonder how many people out there would show up for work the next day, let alone complete the current work day, if someone threatened to kill them.  I wonder how many would  make a career change if that happened.  I wonder how many would continue on if one of their co-workers was killed at work.  My guess would be not too many.  Point is, it takes a special type of person to do what police officers do.  And it really does take a special type of person to be the spouse or significant other of a police officer.  You have to be able to let stuff roll off daily.  You can't take anything too personal or too serious.  And, you have to have a lot of faith in the man upstairs.  And believe me, I pray every single day for all law enforcement.  They need that.  So, if praying is something you do, please say a prayer for our officers tonight.  And while your at it, please say one for Officer Ellis' widow.  I know I will.


 

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE, WORDS OF WISDOM, AND A LITTLE MOTIVATION

I'm certain they will be so upset!!  Hahaha!

Since we are talking about things that make me smile, I figured why not start with music.  Music is just wonderful and can make you feel good when you don't even want too.  At least, it does that for me.  I could list sooo many songs that I love, but I won't.  What I am going to do, however, is give you a list and links to some of my favorites and some maybe you have never heard.  Why?  Because I can.  And I want you to smile and be happy.  

AWOL NATION - SAIL 

WAGON WHEEL - OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW

I'LL FOLLOW YOU - SHINEDOWN

NOT STRONG ENOUGH - APOCALYPTICA

HALLELUJAH - JASON CASTRO

BETTER TOGETHER - JACK JOHNSON

BLACK HORSE AND THE CHERRY TREE - KT TUNSTALL

HEY THERE DELILAH - PLAIN WHITE T'S

LITTLE THINGS - ONE DIRECTION

GLITTER IN THE AIR - PINK

SORRY - BUCKCHERRY

WHEN I WAS YOUR MAN - BRUNO MARS

WHISTLE FOR THE CHOIR - FRATELLIS

HENRIETTA - FRATELLIS

OH LOVE - GREEN DAY

TRUTH IS - LEVELLERS

THE HOUSE THAT BUILT ME - MIRANDA LAMBERT

GIRL ON FIRE - ALICIA KEYS

GRAVITY - JOHN MAYER

FLUORESCENT ADOLESCENT - ARCTIC MONKEYS

Some of these are a little sappy, I know.  But there is nothing wrong with that!  I mean, listening to One Direction doesn't make me weird, does it?  And a girl can dream that Bruno Mars or John Mayer are really singing to her, right?  I'm sure you noticed that I didn't choose the Darius Rucker version of Wagon Wheel.  Not because I don't like it, because I do.  I just prefer the Old Crow Version.  To prove that I don't dislike Mr. Rucker, here is a photo of me with him:

I hope you enjoy my songs.  Don't worry.  I have more.  I think I have like 190 or something on my playlist.  So, if you want to know what else I listen too just ask!  I may just have to do another post at some point and break it down into workout music, fun music, Oh How Much I Love You music, and just really good music.  I'm sure I will.  Because, really, I didn't even mention Eminem!!  And no playlist is really complete without him.

And don't worry.  There will be more posts about other things I love in the future :)

WORDS OF WISDOM

I'm not sure what I'm getting ready to say is really wisdom, but rather my take on my last blog post.  I will call it wisdom because it just sounds awesome, like I actually know what the heck I'm talking about.  In my last post I talked about things I miss.  And I thought that was just kind of depressing.  But after I thought about it, it really isn't.  Yeah, I guess the things I said I miss are different in a way from missing people or things.  But really, the premise is the same.  Think about it.  If you miss someone, whether that person has passed on or you just aren't as close as you once were, you miss them for one reason.  And that's because you love them.  To be able to feel that for another human being, that love (whether its for a friend, parent, sibling, spouse, etc...doesn't matter) that causes you to miss them is awesome.  Because that means you had something amazing in your life.  And that goes for things and health as well.  If you miss something, anything, that means that you had something great.  Something or someone so great that it or they left a huge impact on your life.  A true blessing.  And if you miss it or them, that means you want it or them to come back.  Do we ever wish for bad things to come back to us?  Do we ever miss things we don't like?  The answer is no and no.  So, embrace the memories of all that you miss.  Your heart knows exactly what it misses.  Be thankful for that.  And, here is what I hope you all do.  If you are missing someone, and they are still on this planet and you are able to talk to them, tell them you miss them.  They need to know.  Not only will it make you feel good to talk to them, it will make them feel wonderful knowing that they mean enough to you for you to miss them.  Besides, life is to short to not tell others how we feel about them.  And as for me and the health things I miss, I remember what it feels like to have all those things.  And I know I will have them again.  So I am feeling blessed that I have experienced good health, and feeling grateful that I will have it again someday soon. 

A LITTLE MOTIVATION

I have learned a lot over the past few years about personal growth.  I have learned that if you want something, you need to go after it.  Anything is possible.  I have learned to ignore the haters and the naysayers (is that even a word?).  I have learned that it's my life and if I am going to make something of it, it's up to me.  If I allow all the negative talk to get in my way, all the people saying I can't do something dictate what I do or don't do, then I won't be successful.  I have learned that to be successful, you have to figure out your "why."  Why are you doing what it is that you do?  Why?  What is your passion?  Why?  You  have to figure this out, and when you do, you can't be stopped.  You will succeed.  Excuses are for people who need them.  I could go on, but I will not.  You get the point.  With that, I leave you with this little gem.  Who knew that Ashton Kutcher was so smart??  Seriously though, watch this.  It's legit.  And you will be glad you did.  

 





Things That I Miss

Well this little ECard couldn't be any more true!!  And, it goes right along with how I feel today, so I figured that is how I would start this blog post.  I really don't want this to be a negative post.  I really don't.  But, I am really, really, really starting to miss certain things.  And it is kind of driving me a little crazy not being able to do what makes me, me.  I'm starting to feel like I don't even know me anymore.  So, before I forget who I really am, I feel like I need to make a list of things I miss. 

Thing #1...WORKING OUT!!!!!
     If you know me at all, I mean, AT ALL then you know how important health and fitness are to my life.  If you follow me on Facebook, then you  have seen the before and after photo's.  If you have never seen them, no fear.  I am going to post it here.  Don't care if some of you are tired of seeing it.  I worked damn hard to accomplish my 90 day goal and I will post it as much as I want!!!  But really, I miss working out with all of my being.  Before cancer (or I guess I should say chemo since I've probably had cancer for many, many months and just didn't know it) my routine was as follows:  up at 4:45; get dressed, stumble to the kitchen, mix up my Visalus GO and Visalus PRO to fuel my workout.  Then, head down to the Steelers room and get started.  My workouts last anywhere from 30-45 minutes and they were pretty dang intense.  Then, up to shower and dressed.  Then mix up my breakfast/recovery Vi-Shake (usually chocolate/peanut butter/banana).  Then get the kids ready for school then head to work. 

Don't get me wrong.  I still use these amazing products every.single.day.  Love them.  And honestly, without my shake, I'm not exactly sure I would be able to eat anything for breakfast.  Dr. Stephens told me to keep drinking them as much as I wanted as often as I wanted because they are that good for me.  So I do.  But, I miss drinking them after an intense weight lifting workout or good run.  The GO and PRO act as my coffee now.  Can not wait until I can use them like I used too!!  To fuel my workouts!!  Did I mention how much I miss working out??

Thing #2...NOT FEELING NAUSEAUS FOR A WEEK

     Can't explain what this is like.  Just can't.  It's different than pregnancy nausea.  And it doesn't go away, but just gets worse daily.  And as the day goes on.  Nothing sounds good at all, but when I eat I feel better for a little while.  I literally stood in the kitchen for about 30 minutes yesterday trying to decide what to eat.  Jeremy was washing dishes and turned around and asked me if I was stalking him.  That's how long I stood there.  And still couldn't make a decision!!!  It's awful.  Every week after chemo is like this.  It's terrible.  I really wish I could explain it.  And when you feel like this, you will eat anything to feel better.  And at any time of day or night.  It totally goes against EVERYTHING I stand for when it comes to health and nutrition.  So, this is super hard for me to get past mentally.  But, you do what you gotta do to get through it. 

Thing #3...NOT FEELING COMPLETELY WIPED OUT FOR A WEEK

     Again, if you know me AT ALL, you know that pre-chemo I was full of energy and always on the go.  Now, it's nothing short of a miracle if I'm not asleep by 9 for the whole week after chemo.  I really feel bad for my kids on this one.  I just don't feel like doing anything at all.  Just playing a game of UNO sounds like work. I don't like feeling like this at all.  It is totally not me.  Before all this chemo nonsense I was up until 11 and back up at 4:45am.  It's weird how much this bothers me, but it does.

Thing #4...MY PRE-CHEMO HAIR

     I still have my hair.  Just not all of it.  It is thinning out so much that I'm not even sure how much longer I can stand it.  Jeremy and several others have told me that they can't really see where it has come out, but I sure can.  And I know it is because it is still coming out in handfuls in the shower and in my brush.  I was so close to shaving it on January 1.  I'm so close to over it.  It's just annoying at this point.  And depressing.  I had finally, after several years of trying, grown out my hair and had it exactly how I wanted it.  Now I can only wear it one way and it's not the way I want.  So, sooner than later I will just get rid of it.  But dang I sure miss my old hair!!!

Thing #5...NOT GETTING WINDED SO QUICKLY

     One side effect of one of my chemo drugs is that it can cause lung damage.  My Dr. says my shortness of breath issue is not due to lung damage at this point, but rather anemia that is brought on my chemo.  Awesome.  Just walking up the stairs can take my breath sometimes.  And this is one reason I can't workout like I used to.  Kind of hard to do when you can't breathe!!!

Thing #6...NOT HAVING MY HEART RACE AT RANDOM TIMES

     Another side effect of one of my chemo drugs is heart damage.  My Dr. has assured me that my heart is still ok at this point, but my racing heart is due to, again, anemia brought on by chemo.  Totally freaked me out the first time I felt this.  It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and into my throat.  So bizarre.  Yet another reason I can't work out.  Dang heart rate skips around too much when I try too.  

Thing #7...NOT HAVING A SORE THROAT AND DRIED OUT NOSE EVERY MORNING

     Yep, you guessed it.  Another side effect of chemo.  Dries out everything.  It's ridiculous really.  

Thing #8...NOT BREAKING OUT IN RANDOM RASHES

     Happens every time.  And not at the same time.  Sometimes its the day after chemo, sometimes four or five days after.  Might be on my face, arms, legs.  Just depends where it wants to pop up.  This is why I carry Benadryl with me wherever I go.  I just don't ever know.

OK.  Enough of that.  I don't want this to turn into a pity party or a depressing post.  But, seriously, I MISS THOSE THINGS!!  But, I also miss these things.  They really have nothing to do with chemo or cancer.  I just miss them.

We have been on two Disney Cruises.  Can not wait to go again!

    

Before the cruise...so much fun

Cocoa Beach last summer.

Universal Studios last summer

Hard Rock Hotel.  Amazing.  No other word will describe it.

These two...Miami Beach.  Beautiful sums this up I think.  And I had an AMAZING workout on the beach with my friends Natalie, Lee, and Kristie.  Great time with great people.

PNC Park.  I would have to say probably the most beautiful major league park that exists.  Home of the Pittsburgh Pirates.  I think we are really meant to live in Pittsburgh.  Would love to go here again some day.

Heinz Field.  Home of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Also known as heaven.  hahaha.  Seriously though.  Pretty fantastic taking a tour of this.  We went to a game here in 2005.  Would love to go back.

I hope this post wasn't too awful for all of you.  Not overly exciting I know.  But, this one was more for me I guess.  To vent a little.  My husband and a few good friends have told me to just remember that all of this bad stuff, the nasty side effects and not getting to do the things I love is just temporary.  And they are right.  It is.  And after 8 more treatments and the PET scan saying I'm cancer free, I can get back to being me.  You have no idea how much I long for that day.  Just seems like it will be forever before it gets here.  But, I will just keep moving ahead and struggling through the bad weeks and enjoying the good weeks to the fullest.  That's all I can do.  That, and lean on my friends.  So lucky to have some great ones!!! 

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A Clown, Balloons, and Midget Monopoly

Before we begin, you must listen to this song to get the full effect of my chemo day.  Now.  Now you are ready for this.  And leave it playing as you read.  Just do it.  Don't be weird.

 

 

I'm pretty sure I KNOW I have the best friends on the entire planet.  There are some people who have to take a taxi to and from chemo.  They can't find ANYONE, not even one person who cares enough to even give them a ride.  I have seen it personally.  I can't imagine how much more difficult dealing with all of this would be mentally if I was in that situation.  Thank God I am not.  Not even close.  I honestly have friends waiting to take me.  Some old friends, and some new.

 

  The post at the top of this blog is 100% true.  It's easy.  So easy to tell someone you care, to tell someone you like them, to hang out with someone and consider them your friend.  So easy.  But when that word "friend" is put to the test, that's where the truth will reveal itself.   The saying "Actions speak louder than words" should be hanging on my wall somewhere.  I say it alot and I believe in it 100%  Words are just that,words.  Don't really mean anything until you do what you say or when your behavior matches your words.  If you tell me that you care about me, or you tell me that you want to help me and will do anything I ask or need you to do, then when the time comes to follow up on your word and you come up with excuses you can't, that behavior tells me all I need to know. 

 

 A true friend won't be too busy to help you out when times get bad.  A true friend won't suddenly shut you out when things get weird.  A true friend won't make excuses as to why they can't take you to chemo or why they can't do whatever it is you need.  A true friend is someone you haven't talked to in years but is messaging you and telling you that if you need anything at all, even someone to take you to chemo they will do it.  A true friend is someone who strait out asks you if they can go with you or if you just want them to come over and hang out for awhile.  They will set dates weeks in advance for you to go out with them because they know that's when your good day will be and they want you to have fun and smile. They don't have excuses.  Ever.  They always find a way.  A true friend starts a t-shirt fundraiser for you that you know nothing about.  Or a virtual 5k you know nothing about.  Or they send you texts daily asking how you are, can they do anything, telling you they are thinking of you and can't wait for you to get better.  They send you FB messages on random days saying Hey, I miss you and think and pray for you every single day and can't wait until we can get together again.  They send you pictures daily of their new twin babies because they know those pictures will melt your heart and make you smile on even your worst day. They call you at 7:30 on a Friday night just to check on you even when they aren't feeling well either (yeah, that just happened). 

 

 They are men, women, cousins, brothers, sister-in-laws, parents, aunts.  Some of my very best and closest friends are guys.  And surprisingly, even guys care about others.  Hahaha.  They actually get it.  They understand life is hard and they have my back, like a brother.  I had an hour long conversation with one a week or so ago.  Just being able to talk helped so much.  He didn't have to talk to me that long.  He is super busy and I am certain he had tons of other things to do, but he took the time.  And that means a lot to me. 

 

Insert link to a song for all my true friends here. And I really do love all of you.  That's the truth.  click here. (I know.  Fox and the Hound.  Just trying to keep this post kid friendly ;)

 

This song works too and he gives an AMAZING concert.

 

  A true friend can be someone you have known forever, may have just met, or someone you have known just for a few years, like my friend Courtney the Clown (hahaha) who went with me today.  We haven't been friends very long, but you can't tell it.  The lady next to us today wanted to know if we were sisters.  She said it appeared that way.  We just laughed and said no, just friends.  That made me feel so good.  The fact that we were having so much fun together (at the most depressing place on earth, mind you) tells me something about or relationship.  It works.  And it's fun.  And we will be friends forever.  She is the real deal.  And, I am not one to trust people easily.  I'm kind of shy at first because I'm never sure who is real and who is fake and I don't want fake people knowing everything about me.  That's just not how I roll.  But, if I trust you, shy girl goes home and outgoing, lets go party and have fun Michelle come out.  And THAT Michelle will tell you anything you want to know.  And she will do anything for you.  ANYTHING.  I will find a way to help you or make your problem a little easier to handle.  Did Courtney have to take the whole freaking day off work for me?  NO.  Did she do it anyway?  YES!   This is what I'm talking about:

 

   

Absolutely no hesitation here

 

And, of course, she went and got me this #cracksandwich

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a requirement.

And this seems like the perfect place to introduce you all to this awesomeness.

 

Two weeks ago my BFF Mandy gave me a spa day.  That was tremendous.  Today, I was challenged to midget Monopoly.  A party with clowns and balloons would not be complete with something midget related now would it??

 

She said she won and I was sad.  I hate losing. 

But hang on a minute.  I don't really believe I lost now that I have come down off the Ativan and really thought about it.  She didn't count the money.  All she did was say "I totally beat you."  Then started putting it away.  Just wait Courtney the Clown.  Just wait.  When I get over all this chemo nonsense, I challenge you to a game of one on one basketball.  I will take you to school.  BAM!!!

 

She said to pose with my pole.  Hahahaha.  Well, OK.  Let's do it!!

 

 

So, I guess this post is mixed.  A little about clowns, balloons, and midgets and a lot about friends.  This is a topic I could go on about forever I think.  It has been said that you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most.  I believe this to be true.  And I choose carefully as I stated before.  I don't want to associate with people who appear sincere, but in reality they aren't.  Those people just tell you what you want to hear.  Their actions don't match their words.  That is a HUGE red flag to me.  And it ticks me off when people do that.  Don't lie to me.  And really, why would you say things you don't mean anyway??  Makes zero sense to me.  Zero.  I only say what I mean.  So I want to hang out with people who do the same thing.  I don't have time for games.  I also don't want to associate with people who don't really want to associate with me.  What good is that.  What I want is someone who doesn't lie to me, holds true to their word, finds me important enough in their life to make time for me even when its not convenient, will be by my side even when the chemo is gone, will laugh with me, cry with me, and will let me tell them anything I want and not judge me and not tell anyone else.  And I am so happy to say that I have found those people.  LOTS of those people in fact.  I have more of those people in my life than I even knew about before cancer.  I honestly had no idea so many people truly cared for me until now.  So, I guess this is just one more reason God allowed me to have cancer.  So I would open my eyes and realize these things.  Realize that he has blessed me beyond measure.  Realize who my true friends are and who are not.  But, as luck would have it, I have MANY true friends.  And for those that I have realized are not.  That's ok.  It's actually good to know so  I don't make those people one of my five!! Silver linings people.  Silver linings in everything. 

 

 

 

And, well, I've always got The Man Upstairs on my side.  Always.  He isn't just in my 5.  He is #1.  Can't go wrong with that.