Monday, December 30, 2013

The History Of Us

APRIL, 1993
Me and Jeremy started dating.  I had just gotten off work at Ponderosa (yep, that's right.  Haters gonna hate).  After work me and some friends headed over to Green River Rd. to do some cruising because, well, that's what all the cool kids did.  As I stood in the parking lot of Noble Roman's talking to a car full of hot men from Tecumseh (OK.  They weren't hot men.  They were not even cute boys.  But it's my blog and my story so that's how I will tell it!)  I hear someone yell, "Hey!  Stop jumping up and down like an idiot!"  I look over and there is a car of boys I knew from my high school.  So I walk over.  Just so happens this guy named Jeremy Fortune was the one yelling at me.  I said, "I'm jumping up and down because it's cold."  So, being the sensitive, kind, friendly, caring guy that he was, he took off his baseball jacket and gave it to me to wear.  The next day he called me.  The day after that we went on our first date.  We went to pick out his tux for prom (we both went to prom with different people that year).  And, the best part, he sang this song to me over and over and over Informer.
 
 
AUGUST, 1994
Carolyn, Jeremy's mother, passed away.  She had fought cancer for nine years.  I still remember the first time I met her.  Jeremy hadn't told her that he was bringing me over.  She sort of panicked when we walked in because she didn't want me to see her without anything covering her head.  It was the first of many times I heard her yell "JEREMY!"  She was an amazing woman.  I wish our girls could have met her.  We agree that she would have spoiled them rotten.  And she would have laughed and laughed at Reagan because she would have said that was Jeremy's payback :)
 
 
 
JULY, 1999
We got married!!!  It was a beautiful day.  The wedding went great.  We had a live singer instead of just music playing.  And a piano player.  One of the songs was Because You Loved Me.  Another was
The Rose.  It was pretty amazing.  And the reception?  Well, our entrance music was pretty special.  I mean, who wouldn't want to be introduced for the first time walking in to this ?????.  Awesome, right??  Then there was the first dance to this beautiful song To Make You Feel My Love.  I've been told by many that our reception was epic.  Yes, epic.  When you go thru 10 kegs of beer, the night is bound to be pretty, well, epic.
 
 
FEBRUARY, 2002
Emily was born.  That was an experience.  Just imagine being 42 weeks pregnant and giving birth  naturally to a 10lb baby.  Yeah.  Let that sink in for a minute. 
 
 
JULY, 2004
Jeremy's stepdad, "Doc" passed away.  Not sure I have words to describe this incredible man.  So I won't even try because I won't do him justice.  His death was not expected, so this was a really rough time for Jeremy.  There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think of Doc or his mom.  We talk about both of them all the time.  We have made sure the girls know who they were and what role they played in Jeremy's life.  We talk about them so much in fact that the girls refer to them as Grandma Carolyn and Grandpa Doc. 
 
 
NOVEMBER, 2006
Right about now is when things start getting interesting.  For a lot of reasons.  Reagan was born.  I was only pregnant 38 weeks this time.  I made my doctor promise me we wouldn't have a repeat performance.  She felt bad for me and agreed.  So I was induced two weeks early.  It was nice giving birth to a baby and not a toddler. 

 
 
NOW THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING STARTS GETTING INTERESTING. 
 
JANUARY 4, 2007
I'm at home with Emily and Reagan (who is five weeks old now).  It's 9pm.  Jeremy is working evenings.  He was still a road Deputy.  He calls and says not to be alarmed but that the ambulance is bringing him home.  He said he doubled over with stomach pain at the jail and couldn't drive.  Ok I said.  About 10 minutes later he calls back.  He says that they are not bringing him home but instead taking him to the ER.  He tells me I need to leave now and meet them there.  Thank goodness my dad lives close because I needed to leave in a hurry.  I get to the hospital and he is already there.  The nurses are rushing around him.  They were already taking him down for CT scan and xray.  Everything happened really fast and they ended up admitting him quickly.  I remember holding the bed pan so he could vomit over and over and over.  He couldn't stop throwing up so as I'm holding this pan the nurse is asking me all kinds of questions because he couldn't answer them.  She was nervous.  I was scared.  He couldn't stop vomiting.  It was bad.  Really, really bad. 
 
For the first three days he was pretty much asleep the whole time.  So many people visited but he doesn't remember any of it.  I stayed with him and never left for those first few days.  The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Not a clue.  So many tests were run with no answers.  He was literally near death.  His potassium level was 0.  He weighed 154lbs and he is 6ft 3in.  He was pale white.  Couldn't eat.  After about five or six days they put him on TPN (feeding tube).  Don't forget that we have a now six week old baby at home.  And that's what I need to talk about next.
 
JANUARY 11, 2007
My dad and stepmom had been watching the girls.  Marcille is a respiratory therapist and tells me that she is concerned about Reagan's breathing (such as her chest sinking in, struggling to breathe, lips turning blue) and that I need to take her in to get checked out.  So I did.  My mom went with me to the after hours clinic.  The doctor wasted no time in telling me that she had RSV and that I needed to get her to the hospital ASAP.  OMG!!!!  This is the point where I lost it.  And this is also the point that I started just going thru the motions.  I honestly don't remember feeling any emotions really.  I cried.  But that was because I didn't know what else to do.  I remember driving out the entrance taking her from the Dr. to the hospital and my mom saying to let her drive and I refused.  But I managed to get her to the hospital.  And she stayed there for six days.  All the while her father was still in the hospital across town on a feeding tube. 
 
THE REST OF JANUARY, 2007
At some point the doctors finally figured out what was going on with Jeremy.  He had Crohn's Disease.  This was just the beginning of the rest of his life dealing with so many issues I won't list them all.  And the medications.  Good grief.  I think we already own CVS and just don't know it.  Such a nasty awful disease.  He was in the hospital for 14 days total.  Reagan was discharged a day before he was.  I can't even explain how great it was to have them both home.  I almost lost him and thought I was going to lose her.  Going thru all of that definitely did one thing.  It made me stronger.  So many people have asked me how I did that.  How I made it through and could still smile. Well, you just do.  And pray a lot. 
 
APRIL, 2007
Jeremy had his first resection surgery.  This was supposed to be a four day hospital stay.  Turned into NINE!!!  On day three or four I walk in to his room bright and early in the morning and he looks like death.  No joke.  Long story short he was allergic to a medicine they gave him and no one knew it.  Took them forever to figure out what was wrong.  So nine days it was. 
 
ARE YOU STILL PAYING ATTENTION?  WE AREN'T DONE YET
 
JULY, 2010
Jeremy has a second resection surgery.  This one goes much better.  He recovered a lot quicker and no one gave him medication that would almost kill him.  This was a success!!!
 
A MONTH OR SO LATER
We are having a nice family afternoon in the pool.  The girls had been going down the slide.  No different than any other day in the pool.  Jeremy was in the water and I was walking towards the steps to get out.  Emily went down the slide and I heard her splash into the water and laugh.  Next thing I hear is Jeremy saying "OH $%#@" and then I hear a smacking sound.  Reagan had fallen off the steps to the slide.  When I turned around she was lying on the concrete, face down, motionless.  I thought she was dead.  I ran over to her and was yelling her name and she was not responding.  Jeremy had seen her hit her head on the way down.  I can't describe what it feels like when you think your baby has just died.  Under your watch.  I picked her up and she didn't move.  After what seemed like an eternity she finally started saying "Oweee, oweee."  Then she started vomiting.  The drive to the ER was gut wrenching.  I couldn't let her fall asleep and she kept dozing off.  Once we got to the hospital they quickly got her in.  She had a skull fracture and was admitted to pediatric Intensive Care.  We were there for three days.  Luckily there was not any abnormal bleeding or swelling on her brain.  The break was clean and would heal itself eventually. 
 
NOVEMBER, 2012
When you have Crohn's Disease you have to take steroids.  The steroids are great, but they also cause bad things to happen.  And of course Jeremy was the recipient of a bad thing...Osteonecrosis in his knees.  Basically his bones were dying.  So, when your bones die they can't function properly, requiring them to be replaced.  And that's just what happened.  A total knee replacement at the age of 37.  Awesome. 
 
NOVEMBER 1, 2013
I was diagnosed with cancer.
 
Why am I writing all of this for all of you to read?  I don't really know.  Maybe it's because I just needed to see a timeline of all the craziness that has happened in my life.  Or maybe it's so that I can try and make sense of it all.  Or maybe it's because I want you all to know that everything you are going thru, no matter what it is, will be ok.  It will.  God uses bad for good.  There is good in everything.  Every experience, no matter how bad it is, can be used for good.  It may take years for God to expose the good or it may take hours.  How can Crohn's disease be used for good?  Well, I can tell you this.  It has made our marriage stronger.  When your spouse has to go thru something as humbling as when Jeremy was in the hospital for two weeks and I had to help him do EVERYTHING, that changes something in you and your relationship.  What good comes from almost dying from being given a medication your allergic too?  You are once again reminded that life is fragile and you should embrace it.  What good comes from having your three year old suffer from a skull fracture?  You realize that your children aren't really yours.  They are God's children.  And you are just the one he chose to take care of them.  And you are reminded that that little girl can be taken away from you just as fast as she was given to you so you better enjoy every single minute you have with her.  What good comes from being diagnosed with cancer when you are 36 and have a husband and two children that need you?  I don't know yet.  I am still trying to accept the fact that I have cancer.  But someday I will be able to blog about what good has come of this.  And when that day comes, you better believe I will let you all know :)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 



Friday, December 27, 2013

Friday Funnies...Let's Laugh!!!!





I guess after having a really bad week where you don't laugh much, everything is hilarious.  At least, that's my theory.  Laughing is great and I have done ALOT of that today, which means today has been a GREAT DAY!!!  So, in honor of laughing, I'm dedicating this post to just that...laughing.  You may or may not find any of this funny or entertaining, and I feel sorry for you if that's the case (because I find it all hilarious).  I also apologize in advance if you find any of this offensive.  If you do, just hit the red X in the top right corner of this post.  I don't care.  I will still find it all funny regardless.  Some of you may be surprised at my sense of humor.  Others will be like "Yep, that's my girl!"  Anyway, here's to laughter!!!!   







 
OK.  Enough Christmas laughter.  Lets move on.
 
(we all know that didn't really happen!!)

#truth





OK.  Here is where it may start getting a little offensive...click the X now if you don't think you can handle it!!!
 

(make this photo bigger and read the graph at the bottom.  totally agree)
 
I guarantee this book his hilarious

Seriously.  Think about it.
 
It's true!!
 
 
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!
 

 

 


 
 




 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas!!!!

 
 
 
Christmas is my favorite holiday.  When I was a kid, it was my favorite for obvious reasons.  I mean, what kid doesn't love candy, cookies, and presents??  As I got older, I began enjoying Christmas not because of what I was getting, but because of what I was giving.  Making others smile is so awesome.  And this year is no different.  Well, that's not true.  It actually has been a lot different.  I was totally not prepared for all the gift giving this year.  No lists, no ideas.  It has bothered me a lot that I was so unprepared this year.  I kind of felt like I had failed.  At what I'm not sure but I felt that way.  But, you know what?  I believe that even though I was very unprepared for all the craziness that is gift giving at Christmas, I was more prepared than ever to focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  And I am so grateful for that.  It is so easy to get caught up in all the gifts and who gets what and how much and who spent what on who that we (or at least I) forget to focus on the whole reason we do all of this.  Jesus.  Our Saviour.  Last  night in Church, the choir sang so beautifully.  They sing the same songs every year, but this year those songs really meant so much more to me.  It's kind of like when I cried in my office and I couldn't really explain what was going on or why.  I think God is trying to get my attention.  And I think that he has been trying for a very long time, I just wouldn't listen.  But I'm listening now.  And when I hear songs like this O Holy Night I smile.  So beautiful. 
  
It's kind of been a rough week since chemo was Friday, but being able to spend time with this awesome crew has made it a lot better!!
 
 
 
 
So Reagan has been completely jacked up for two whole days.  Yesterday Kathy (the wonderful lady that basically raised my children until they reached school age) stopped by and dropped off some rock candy.  Emily had to hide the bag from Reagan.  She wouldn't stop eating it.  Then, there was this gingerbread house the girls made at my mom's on Monday. 
 
 
Let's just say there are several pieces of candy missing from this house.  And Reagan is the candy thief.  Yesterday she was so crazy on sugar I wasn't sure if she was possessed or not. 
 
 
DECEMBER 25, 2013 3:00am
 
Reagan decided this was the perfect time to wake me up.  I looked at the clock and said "Uh, no.  Santa hasn't even been here yet I'm sure.  Go back to bed."  In response, she says "But mom.  I had a bad dream and I can't go back to bed."  So, I stumble out of bed and take her back to her room and listen to her tell her story of her dream that included people stealing our presents.  Once I had assured her that it was just a dream and that she could in fact go back to sleep, back to bed I went. 
 
DECEMBER 25, 2013 7:30am
 
Reagan wakes me up.  I look at the clock.  "O.K."  I said.  "Go downstairs and see if Santa came, then come back and get me if he did."  Of course, she comes sprinting back up the steps twenty kinds of excited because she found...wait for it...CANDY in her stocking. 
 
 



These two have had a great Christmas.  Clothes, toys, books, lotion, tablets, etc...  They are kind of spoiled I think. 
 
I've received some pretty awesome gifts too.  But, I gotta say, my favorite is one that I ordered myself.  My good friend Jennifer sent me to this awesome blog called Lil Blue Boo a week or two ago.  What an amazing blog about this ladies journey through miscarriage, cancer, and the death of her father.  I highly recommend reading her posts when you have time.  Puts life in perspective.  She makes these awesome necklaces that simply say "Choose Joy."  And I love that simple message.  I have learned quickly that you can get mad, ticked off, and feel sorry for yourself because of your situation or circumstances, or you can choose to be happy.  We all have that choice.  And happiness is a choice.  Not one person or one thing makes us happy.  We choose to be happy.  Sure, life is better with certain people or things in it.  But people and things only  make us happy if we choose to be.  And I for one am not going to let life get me down.  Nope.  Not going to do it.  And this simple message of "Choose Joy" will be around my neck daily to remind me that I have that choice. 
 
 
 
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!



Friday, December 20, 2013

Little Men With Axes

  
I have a friend that is hilarious.  It's really the only reason I keep him around.  That and he is super positive all the time.  And he told me that when he thinks about my chemo, he likes to think that the chemo is actually little men with axes being pumped into by blood.  And those little men chop the cancer cells with axes.  Chop the crap out of it.  So now I picture these little men as oompa-loompas.  With axes of course.  And they may or may not sing in my thought process.

My BFF Mandy went with me to chemo today.  I warned her that it would be boring and she would have nothing to do for at least three hours.  Her response?  "Bring it."  So she went with me.  Let me just say that she is the most amazing person ever.  So lucky to have a friend like her.  Seriously.  She didn't have too, but she gave me a pedicure during my treatment!!!!! 



 

She is pretty amazing.  She even went and picked me up...wait for it...Chic Fil A!!!!!  This poor girl.  I warned her that once they give me Ativan I get a little, well, DRUNK.  She laughed.  Made fun of me.  I didn't care.  I laughed back.  That stuff will make you absolutely goofy as hell. (or maybe its just me). Whoever brings me to chemo the next 9 times is going to have to try super hard to beat this chick on the awesome friend scale!!!
 
 
 Looks excited, right??   I warned her. 
 

 
During the chemo selfie I got photo bombed!!!
 
 
Getting the chemotherapy treatment is relatively easy.  No major drama there.  Did blood work, saw Dr. Stephens, who by the way, was very pleased at the fact that you can BARELY fell the lymph nodes in my neck.  He said, "I know you described your first treatment as "IT SUCKED" and you are right it does.  But its working.  The next five months of your life are going to be hard road."  That is so very exciting to hear!!!!  It seems to be working!!!  But on the other hand, I feel like poo for two whole weeks a month.  But really what choice do I have?  It's either kill the cancer or let the cancer kill me.  No brainer.  So I will keep on trucking along. 

I forgot to mention when I originally posted this that my nurse came over to give us these to go along with our mini spa day.  They were delicious!

 
 
A little bit later another nurse came over and said "You look awful young to be in here.  Did they card you?"  If I were at a bar, I would have delighted in that question.  Being asked that at chemo sort of had the opposite affect.  I wanted to say, "As if I hadn't already realized that or thought of that a thousand times?"  I know she was just trying to joke around so I just smiled and played along.  Then she handed me this gift.  I love it!!  

 
 
I got tired pretty darn fast.  About to fall asleep as I type this.  Oh, and as soon as I got home, I broke out in a hivey rash.  That happens every time but usually takes a day or two.  This time it took about an hour.  Geez.  Took Benedryl though and it cleared that up.  And I didn't get my new batch of steroids to take at home.  Not sure what I'm going to be able to do about that.  Supposed to take them for four days after chemo.  FANTASTIC. 
 
GROSS
 
New nausea meds too.  Hopefully they help and don't knock me out.  Did I mention I feel drunk and tired??   Well, I do.  I need to go to bed before I say something else stupid.  Stupid is the proper way to define me right now.  My thoughts are random and when I try to ask a question it doesn't come out right and evidently you can 't understand me either.  Jeremy just stares at me like I'm a complete jackass and then starts laughing.   Oh the joys of marriage!  hahahaha
 
I forgot to mention in my original post something I had written down then forgot to look at my notes before I posted this.  Someone told me early this week that I look better now than before I started treatment.  For a split second I was kind of offended by that, then I quickly realized that this was a great thing.  To me, this means that the cancer was getting to me not just inside but outside as well.  But now, now that those little men with axes have started doing their thing and chopping up the cancer, I'm getting better.  Both inside and outside.  So that's good!! 
 
Geez I'm tired!  This blog post is now officially over.
 
CRAM IT UP YOUR CRAM-HOLE CANCER!!!!

 
 

 

 
 

 
 
 
 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

And Then The Flood Gates Opened

Yeah.  That happened.  Yesterday.  Like, we aren't talking a few tears or sort of sobbing for a few minutes.  We are talking all out breakdown of epic proportions.  Open the flood gates type of cry.  Big o'fat tears type of cry.  I compare it to this NFL player crying during the National Anthem.  Only difference would be you need to multiply the tears by like 10,000.  And it happened at work.  Yep.  At work.  You see, I am still having a hard time with the outpouring of support I have received.  It's still completely overwhelming and my response to it most of the time is to not respond.  Yesterday was no different.  A friend of mines friend posted on her Facebook timeline about how every time she hears a certain song, she stops and prays for me.  I was tagged in this post so I would see it.  And I did and chose to ignore it for a good while.  Then, over my lunch break, I decided to watch the video that had been posted.  That's when it happened.  And it was so odd.  I can't really describe what happened or how I felt.  All I know to say is this feeling came over me and I couldn't stop crying.  It was a peaceful feeling or maybe a calm feeling.  Or maybe it was really both.  Not really sure but it was a feeling I have never felt before.  And it came out of nowhere.  This is the song:

 
 
 The past few days have been terrific!!  I went shopping Sunday.  By myself.  Best way to shop in my opinion.  Last night I made Christmas cookies with Reagan.  Had to do it early this year because of a busy week and then chemo Friday sort of puts a damper on everything.  But that's ok because I sat some aside for Santa.  I'm sure he won't mind if they are a little hard by then.  He will eat anything I think.  Tonight I went out to dinner with my two besties.  Then we stopped in at Orange Leaf.  Why not, right?  Go big or go home is what I say!! 
 
 
One last thing...this guy.  *Sigh*  Those that know me already know he is my favorite.  Seen him in concert three times already.  I'm pretty sure I qualify for "Groupie" status at this point.  I don't care.  I seriously don't.  I will probably see  him in concert three more times at least.  For those of you who don't know who this is, (if you don't we probably aren't friends) listen to this and you will know No Surprise.  Or this one Over You.  And of course this Feels Like Tonight.  Can't forget this one either Start of Something Good.  Ok.  You get the point.  
 
 
 
We can have joy even in our troubles because we know that these troubles produce endurance.  And endurance produces character, and character produces hope.  And this hope will not disappoint us, because God has poured his love to fill our hearts.  Romans 5:3-5
 

 
 



Saturday, December 14, 2013

When The Going Gets Tough, Cry And Then Move On


I wish I was starting out with some positive vibes, but I would be totally faking how this last week has been if I did.  True to form, the whole week after chemo was pretty much yuck.  This time was worse than the first time.  Not sure why but it was.  Not just physically but mentally this past week has been very, very hard.  Pretty sure I cried at least once every day.  Part of it was throwing myself a little pity party over the whole situation.  But the biggest mental struggle has been over my hair.  Sounds silly I know.  And maybe it is.  But, when my hair started coming out in small handfuls on Monday, I sort of lost it for a minute.  I was so hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones who didn't lose their hair.  Or at least not enough to notice.  As the week went on more and more and more was coming out in larger amounts.  In the shower, on my hands, on my brush.  So much so that by yesterday morning my brush was full of hair after like five brushes.  Not cool.  So, after much debate over what the heck I'm supposed to do about this issue, I went to Ann's Wig Shop and purchased a wig.  Talk about a weird experience.  It was kind of surreal.  I walked in and didn't know what to do.  Completely clueless.  I tried on three I think.  The first one was the perfect match for my current color and length, only it had bangs.  I don't do bangs.  Can't stand them.  So that one was out.  The next one was a little better but I wasn't feeling it so that was thrown aside.  The last one she showed me I kind of liked right away.  It wasn't totally my style or my color but I liked it.  She styled it a little, showed me how to pull it back or put a clip in it if I wanted.  I stalled forever on making the purchase.  Came up with all kinds of random questions to ask.  I really, really didn't want to buy a wig.  But, I'm pretty certain that after my next treatment that will be all she wrote for the current mess that is left on my head.  So I decided I should purchase one so I at least have it on hand for the moment I decide I need it (that was advice taken from a friend.  Didn't like the advice at all, but it was good advice so I took it).  So, here it is.  This is what I purchased.  Not sure when I'll actually wear it out, but It's ready and waiting to be worn.
 
 
In other news, I have received some pretty amazing things since my last update.  Earlier in the week I received a package in the mail from Pegram Church Of Christ in Pegram, TN.  I don't know who any of these people are, but they sent me cards letting me know they have been praying for me.  Not sure if I have said this before or not but this is such a humbling experience.  I mean, people are amazing.  To take even five minutes out of their busy lives to pray for someone they don't even know and to send a card on top of it kind of leaves me speechless.  Here is just a sample of what I received:
 
 
A few days after that I received this book in the mail:
-
 
This came from my former teacher and mother of my friend Jean.  I haven't spoken to her in years.  I have so many memories from being in her class in high school.  And even more memories of being at her house hanging out with Jean.  Mrs. Phipps has always been pretty cool.  Sending me this book solidified her spot on the cool list!  LOL
 
Many of you already know I am a Visalus promoter.  Amazing company with amazing products.  What you may not realize is that the company also has three absolutely amazing co-founders.  The CEO of Visalus, Ryan Blair, just put out a documentary about his life.  It is an amazing story of a kid who went from living in poverty, being in a gang, almost ending up in prison, to a multi-millionaire entrepreneur.  I posted a link to this on my Facebook page.  You really should watch it.  It is worth the hour of your time.  Very inspiring and will make you look at life in a way maybe you haven't before.  If you can't find the link on my FB page, just click here Nothing To Lose Documentary .   I had the privilege of meeting Ryan back in 2011.  Pretty great guy. 


 
 
That's all I have for now.  I'm actually looking forward to this next week.  I know I will feel good and that makes me excited!  I will leave you with this...
 
"If you take anything with you from this book, take this:  whether adversity if self-imposed, attracted, or swiftly delivered by God himself, know that you are being battle tested, and strengthened for a purpose greater than you can understand.  With each successive hardship comes the endurance to overcome even bigger storms.  God knows what battles I'll have to fight next in life, but I know that I'll be ready."  - Ryan Blair, Nothing To Lose, Everything To Gain
 

 

 

    
   




Sunday, December 8, 2013

Chemo Must Go On...Even In The Snow and Ice

Well, my second round of chemo was scheduled for Friday.  Surprisingly it wasn't cancelled.  They did call and ask if I could come in early though.  So we did.  This was what it looked like on our way.
 
 
Pretty crappy drive but we made it.  Good thing I have a professionally trained driver (at least that's what he tells me he is)!  This time they accessed my port for the preliminary blood work.  First time they have done this.  I put Lidocaine over my port an hour before this time.  Man it helped a lot!  Didn't hurt nearly as bad as the first time.  I will be doing that every time for sure. 
 
I met with Dr. Stevens too.  He is so awesome.  He told me that my lung test came back and the results were better than good.  He said they were above the average expected.  He determined the shortness of breath issue isn't the Bleomycin (one of the chemo drugs that can cause lung damage), rather fatigue.  I was happy to hear that.  He also said that my blood work looks great.  My white count has dropped a lot but that is to be expected.  He expects it to drop a little more still.  He felt around for my lymph nodes.  He felt them but said they felt more like bb's this time and were not as big as they originally were!!!  This is good news!!  He said he would be keeping an eye on them.  After seeing him, it was off to chemo. 
 
 
 
As the nurse was hooking everything up, she asked me about the steroids I have to take.  Come to find out, they didn't prescribe me enough last time.  I have to take them at home for four days after chemo.  Not sure if that mattered a whole lot or not, but she was quick to get that fixed for this time.  There wasn't a free lunch this time, so Jeremy went to my favorite fast food restaurant (I know I know.  Totally against everything I stand for.  But, I figured I could allow it just this once :) ) and brought me back some grub. 

 
 
 
I passed the time by starting a book given to me by a friend.  It's actually a pretty good book!  Lots of action right away.  Definitely has kept my interest. 
 
 
 
We got home safely.  I was a little tired but it wasn't too bad.  I put this shirt on in hopes to keep the blah's away!!

 
 
Since my last update I have received more cards.  I received Christmas cards from Reagan's old Daisy Troop and get well cards from students at Harper Elementary.  Those cards are the cutest!  I don't know who any of those kids are at Harper and they don't know me.  But they sure do know how to make me smile!!  And the Daisy Troop cards were pretty awesome as well.  Kids are the best! 
 
I was so happy that I felt pretty good yesterday.  We had the Sheriff's Christmas Party last night and I just wanted to feel good enough to dance.  I love to dance.  And I did just that.  I danced a lot.  We had a great time with some great people.  Today the normal after chemo blah has set in.  Tired. Nausea.  Sore throat (this is a new one).  Chemo just dries everything out.  Skin, nose, mouth, lips.  But, it could still be worse.  And at least this time I know that by the middle of the week I should be feeling fine again. 




Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is It Chemo Brain Already, Or Am I Just Losing My Mind???

So I have been told by some friends that have been through chemotherapy that I will develop something called "chemo brain."  Evidently the chemo drugs cause you to become extremely forgetful and somewhat goofy.  I assumed one of two things:  either this won't happen to me, or it will take awhile for it to happen.  Well, I can tell you that I was wrong.  And I can also tell you that my husband finds humor in my goofiness.  Last night he laughed at me twice.  And once tonight (so far).  It's the stupidest thing ever.  For some reason, my common sense brain cells, along with my memory brain cells, are slowly ceasing to fire.  It's a darn good thing that I'm not taking a math class right now.  My problem solving skills are TERRIBLE.  Just plain terrible.  It's like my mind has reverted back to second grade.  And my memory is a whole other issue.  I have always been the one in our marriage that remembers everything.  EVERYTHING.  Never have needed lists or reminders or alarms on my phone to tell me to do something.  I just always automatically remembered things.  Now I can't even remember to make a list or set an alarm.  It's ridiculous.  And starting to make me crazy.  At work I keep a dry erase board with a list of all the Pre-Sentence reports I have and when they are due.  I always know what I have to do and when I have to do it.  Well, evidently I haven't been remembering to write names and dates on my board because today, had it not been for an eager lawyer actually wanting to read his clients Pre-Sentence before Court this afternoon, I wouldn't have turned my report in on time (or at all).  It was 11:00am when he came in my office asking for it.  Court was at 1:30.  I don't like turning things in late or not at all, so I jumped right in and finished it with 45 minutes to spare!!!  It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have too!!  The point to that is this:  Chemo brain has arrived.  Already.  After one treatment.  Awesome. 

On a more positive note, I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Actually, I haven't felt this good since probably June.  It's crazy how good I have felt since Thursday.  It's weird because I didn't realize how not me I was feeling until I started feeling like me again.  I mean, you know things are going well when you dance in your car while driving to work in the fog.  This morning, this song was my feel good, dance in your seat, sing out loud song Blurred Lines (this isn't the radio version, but way more fun so I'll use this instead).  And since I'm talking about songs, this is my current favorite Let Her Go.  I'm really trying to enjoy these feel good days.  Since I now know how crappy I feel after chemo, I don't want Friday to get here!!!  Round two is this Friday.  Blech.  But, whateves.  Not focusing on that right now.  Right now I'm focusing on the fact that it's 9:15 and Ben Roethlisberger is on SoundFX on NFL Network.  And I'm awake to watch it!!  Yay!!!

Last night was the F.O.P. Christmas party.  The kids always enjoy this.  The F.O.P. Auxiliary has cookies for the kids to decorate and also a station to bag up some reindeer food.  They eat pizza.  And, of course, Santa himself comes every year with gifts.  And who doesn't love gifts??  These kids are just like any other kids, but unique at the same time.  They are all law enforcement kids.  And that is so different than growing up in a house that isn't involved with law enforcement.  Lots of reasons why, but mainly because not everyone's mom/dad puts on a gun and a vest to go to work.  And believe me, these kids all notice that and are very aware of it.  Love all of them so much!!
 
 
One last thing.  You know what I miss more than anything right now?  Working out.  I can't even explain how hard it is for me not being able to do this.  It's who I am.  Health and fitness have become a huge part of who I am.  I even have my own health and wellness business for crying out loud!!!  It's the hardest part for me so far.  Last Friday I worked out for the first time in about a month.  This is my after photo:
 
I survived it, but it was tough.  I couldn't lift as heavy of weight as I normally do and I couldn't do it at the pace I'm used to.  I have found that I am getting out of breath really easy and just the simplest things take my breath away, so working out regular again may not happen for awhile.  I want to be mad about it.  I want to cry when I think about how hard I worked to get to where I am physically and now I am going to regress.  But, I stop myself from throwing a pity party.  It could be so much worse.  So, instead of being upset, I'm trying to focus on the fact that being in the physical shape I was in when I was diagnosed is only going to help me get through this.  And I know it will.  So, with that, I'm going to enjoy tomorrow.  Because Friday is right around the corner!!