I've been tossing around whether or not to continue this blog or call it quits. I mean, It's a blog about cancer, Lymphoma specifically, and my journey with everything that having Lymphoma entails. On November 7 I was told my scan was all clear and that I was in remission. So, in my mind, my blog was finished. I was all clear so what else could I possibly write about?
Last week I was at a training and a fellow Probation Officer came up to me afterwards and encouraged me to continue writing. I said, "I don't know what I would write about now." She responded, "ANYTHING! I love reading your blog! Just let us know what's going on now!" Then yesterday I was told by some co-workers that I needed to keep writing. I went home and thought about this for a bit. And as I pondered the events of the last year since my diagnosis, of the last five months since my stem-cell transplant, of the last month and a half since I found out I was in remission, I concluded that my journey isn't even close to being over. Things have happened since my last post that could be related to all my treatment. And I probably should write about that. Mentally I still struggle, and I should probably write about that. Having new life means having new goals, and I should probably write about that.
Today I will write about my eyes. Yes, my eyes. I have had glasses/contacts since college. Having poor vision is nothing new for me. But, I started noticing some serious changes in mid-November. My night vision was suddenly terrible, halo's around lights, dark circles in the center of lights, cars appeared to be coming at me in my lane. Daytime wasn't any better. Suddenly I couldn't read the words on my computer screen without getting literally right in front of it. Double vision, shadow images, everything was really cloudy. I could see better with my contacts (soft lenses) than with my glasses even though they were the same script. Long story short, I ended up seeing some specialists in Evansville. After two and a half days of tests, they finally determined that I have a disease called Keratoconus. I was told the only way to correct this issue is to wear gas permeable contact lenses, and if it progresses, eventually a cornea transplant. Ugh. When the doctor left the room to get some lenses to practice with, the tears started falling. I was thinking, "Are we serious? I just went through hell and back and now I might one day have to have a cornea transplant?" I asked if this could be a side effect of chemo or the stem-cell transplant, but the doctors couldn't answer my question. They said that this is normally genetic, but just like my cancer no one else in my family has had this. So, they can't really say why I have it, just that I have it and we have to deal with it and hope it doesn't progress. They also told me they don't normally see this at my age, that it normally appears in the early 20's. Well, I missed that deadline by about 15 years.
I have now had my new gas permeable lenses two and a half weeks. Those first two weeks...OMG!!!!!! I literally wanted to claw my eyes out. I couldn't deal. I was miserable and they made me grouchy (just ask Jeremy. He'll tell ya all about it). My eye doctor told me that it would take about two weeks to get used to them and he wasn't exaggerating. This week I have finally been able to function without constantly thinking that life would be just fine blurry. Actually, I don't notice that I have the contacts in much at all anymore until the evening. Then they MUST come out.
A month ago I was so angry and frustrated over the whole situation. I felt like I might never see a day where I wasn't in some sort of doctors office having tests run. I was over it. Completely over it all. Today I'm much better and extremely thankful that these ridiculously annoying contacts exist. Without them I wouldn't be able to see this well, and I would be facing a cornea transplant.
If there is one thing I am learning, it's patience. I'm learning that when the doctor tells you it will get better, just give it time, he is right. I was told the stem-cell transplant side effects would get better, and they did. I was told I would get used to these contacts, and I did. I guess my problem isn't the waiting. It's the crap I have to endure during the waiting process that causes me to freak out a little.
So, there you have it. My vision blog. I can see clearly now. And for that I'm thankful.
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