When The Going Gets Tough, Cry And Then Move On

I wish I was starting out with some positive vibes, but I would be totally faking how this last week has been if I did.  True to form, the whole week after chemo was pretty much yuck.  This time was worse than the first time.  Not sure why but it was.  Not just physically but mentally this past week has been very, very hard.  Pretty sure I cried at least once every day.  Part of it was throwing myself a little pity party over the whole situation.  But the biggest mental struggle has been over my hair.  Sounds silly I know.  And maybe it is.  But, when my hair started coming out in small handfuls on Monday, I sort of lost it for a minute.  I was so hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones who didn't lose their hair.  Or at least not enough to notice.  As the week went on more and more and more was coming out in larger amounts.  In the shower, on my hands, on my brush.  So much so that by yesterday morning my brush was full of hair after like five brushes.  Not cool.  So, after much debate over what the heck I'm supposed to do about this issue, I went to Ann's Wig Shop and purchased a wig.  Talk about a weird experience.  It was kind of surreal.  I walked in and didn't know what to do.  Completely clueless.  I tried on three I think.  The first one was the perfect match for my current color and length, only it had bangs.  I don't do bangs.  Can't stand them.  So that one was out.  The next one was a little better but I wasn't feeling it so that was thrown aside.  The last one she showed me I kind of liked right away.  It wasn't totally my style or my color but I liked it.  She styled it a little, showed me how to pull it back or put a clip in it if I wanted.  I stalled forever on making the purchase.  Came up with all kinds of random questions to ask.  I really, really didn't want to buy a wig.  But, I'm pretty certain that after my next treatment that will be all she wrote for the current mess that is left on my head.  So I decided I should purchase one so I at least have it on hand for the moment I decide I need it (that was advice taken from a friend.  Didn't like the advice at all, but it was good advice so I took it).  So, here it is.  This is what I purchased.  Not sure when I'll actually wear it out, but It's ready and waiting to be worn.

 

 

In other news, I have received some pretty amazing things since my last update.  Earlier in the week I received a package in the mail from Pegram Church Of Christ in Pegram, TN.  I don't know who any of these people are, but they sent me cards letting me know they have been praying for me.  Not sure if I have said this before or not but this is such a humbling experience.  I mean, people are amazing.  To take even five minutes out of their busy lives to pray for someone they don't even know and to send a card on top of it kind of leaves me speechless.  Here is just a sample of what I received:

 

 

A few days after that I received this book in the mail:

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This came from my former teacher and mother of my friend Jean.  I haven't spoken to her in years.  I have so many memories from being in her class in high school.  And even more memories of being at her house hanging out with Jean.  Mrs. Phipps has always been pretty cool.  Sending me this book solidified her spot on the cool list!  LOL

 

Many of you already know I am a Visalus promoter.  Amazing company with amazing products.  What you may not realize is that the company also has three absolutely amazing co-founders.  The CEO of Visalus, Ryan Blair, just put out a documentary about his life.  It is an amazing story of a kid who went from living in poverty, being in a gang, almost ending up in prison, to a multi-millionaire entrepreneur.  I posted a link to this on my Facebook page.  You really should watch it.  It is worth the hour of your time.  Very inspiring and will make you look at life in a way maybe you haven't before.  If you can't find the link on my FB page, just click here Nothing To Lose Documentary .   I had the privilege of meeting Ryan back in 2011.  Pretty great guy. 

 

 

That's all I have for now.  I'm actually looking forward to this next week.  I know I will feel good and that makes me excited!  I will leave you with this...

 

"If you take anything with you from this book, take this:  whether adversity if self-imposed, attracted, or swiftly delivered by God himself, know that you are being battle tested, and strengthened for a purpose greater than you can understand.  With each successive hardship comes the endurance to overcome even bigger storms.  God knows what battles I'll have to fight next in life, but I know that I'll be ready."  - Ryan Blair, Nothing To Lose, Everything To Gain

 



 



 



    

   

Chemo Must Go On...Even In The Snow and Ice

Well, my second round of chemo was scheduled for Friday.  Surprisingly it wasn't cancelled.  They did call and ask if I could come in early though.  So we did.  This was what it looked like on our way.

 

 

Pretty crappy drive but we made it.  Good thing I have a professionally trained driver (at least that's what he tells me he is)!  This time they accessed my port for the preliminary blood work.  First time they have done this.  I put Lidocaine over my port an hour before this time.  Man it helped a lot!  Didn't hurt nearly as bad as the first time.  I will be doing that every time for sure. 

 

I met with Dr. Stevens too.  He is so awesome.  He told me that my lung test came back and the results were better than good.  He said they were above the average expected.  He determined the shortness of breath issue isn't the Bleomycin (one of the chemo drugs that can cause lung damage), rather fatigue.  I was happy to hear that.  He also said that my blood work looks great.  My white count has dropped a lot but that is to be expected.  He expects it to drop a little more still.  He felt around for my lymph nodes.  He felt them but said they felt more like bb's this time and were not as big as they originally were!!!  This is good news!!  He said he would be keeping an eye on them.  After seeing him, it was off to chemo. 

 

 

 

As the nurse was hooking everything up, she asked me about the steroids I have to take.  Come to find out, they didn't prescribe me enough last time.  I have to take them at home for four days after chemo.  Not sure if that mattered a whole lot or not, but she was quick to get that fixed for this time.  There wasn't a free lunch this time, so Jeremy went to my favorite fast food restaurant (I know I know.  Totally against everything I stand for.  But, I figured I could allow it just this once :) ) and brought me back some grub. 



 

 

 

I passed the time by starting a book given to me by a friend.  It's actually a pretty good book!  Lots of action right away.  Definitely has kept my interest. 

 

 

 

We got home safely.  I was a little tired but it wasn't too bad.  I put this shirt on in hopes to keep the blah's away!!

 

 

Since my last update I have received more cards.  I received Christmas cards from Reagan's old Daisy Troop and get well cards from students at Harper Elementary.  Those cards are the cutest!  I don't know who any of those kids are at Harper and they don't know me.  But they sure do know how to make me smile!!  And the Daisy Troop cards were pretty awesome as well.  Kids are the best! 

 

I was so happy that I felt pretty good yesterday.  We had the Sheriff's Christmas Party last night and I just wanted to feel good enough to dance.  I love to dance.  And I did just that.  I danced a lot.  We had a great time with some great people.  Today the normal after chemo blah has set in.  Tired. Nausea.  Sore throat (this is a new one).  Chemo just dries everything out.  Skin, nose, mouth, lips.  But, it could still be worse.  And at least this time I know that by the middle of the week I should be feeling fine again. 





Is It Chemo Brain Already, Or Am I Just Losing My Mind???

So I have been told by some friends that have been through chemotherapy that I will develop something called "chemo brain."  Evidently the chemo drugs cause you to become extremely forgetful and somewhat goofy.  I assumed one of two things:  either this won't happen to me, or it will take awhile for it to happen.  Well, I can tell you that I was wrong.  And I can also tell you that my husband finds humor in my goofiness.  Last night he laughed at me twice.  And once tonight (so far).  It's the stupidest thing ever.  For some reason, my common sense brain cells, along with my memory brain cells, are slowly ceasing to fire.  It's a darn good thing that I'm not taking a math class right now.  My problem solving skills are TERRIBLE.  Just plain terrible.  It's like my mind has reverted back to second grade.  And my memory is a whole other issue.  I have always been the one in our marriage that remembers everything.  EVERYTHING.  Never have needed lists or reminders or alarms on my phone to tell me to do something.  I just always automatically remembered things.  Now I can't even remember to make a list or set an alarm.  It's ridiculous.  And starting to make me crazy.  At work I keep a dry erase board with a list of all the Pre-Sentence reports I have and when they are due.  I always know what I have to do and when I have to do it.  Well, evidently I haven't been remembering to write names and dates on my board because today, had it not been for an eager lawyer actually wanting to read his clients Pre-Sentence before Court this afternoon, I wouldn't have turned my report in on time (or at all).  It was 11:00am when he came in my office asking for it.  Court was at 1:30.  I don't like turning things in late or not at all, so I jumped right in and finished it with 45 minutes to spare!!!  It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have too!!  The point to that is this:  Chemo brain has arrived.  Already.  After one treatment.  Awesome. 

On a more positive note, I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Actually, I haven't felt this good since probably June.  It's crazy how good I have felt since Thursday.  It's weird because I didn't realize how not me I was feeling until I started feeling like me again.  I mean, you know things are going well when you dance in your car while driving to work in the fog.  This morning, this song was my feel good, dance in your seat, sing out loud song Blurred Lines (this isn't the radio version, but way more fun so I'll use this instead).  And since I'm talking about songs, this is my current favorite Let Her Go.  I'm really trying to enjoy these feel good days.  Since I now know how crappy I feel after chemo, I don't want Friday to get here!!!  Round two is this Friday.  Blech.  But, whateves.  Not focusing on that right now.  Right now I'm focusing on the fact that it's 9:15 and Ben Roethlisberger is on SoundFX on NFL Network.  And I'm awake to watch it!!  Yay!!!

Last night was the F.O.P. Christmas party.  The kids always enjoy this.  The F.O.P. Auxiliary has cookies for the kids to decorate and also a station to bag up some reindeer food.  They eat pizza.  And, of course, Santa himself comes every year with gifts.  And who doesn't love gifts??  These kids are just like any other kids, but unique at the same time.  They are all law enforcement kids.  And that is so different than growing up in a house that isn't involved with law enforcement.  Lots of reasons why, but mainly because not everyone's mom/dad puts on a gun and a vest to go to work.  And believe me, these kids all notice that and are very aware of it.  Love all of them so much!!

 

 

One last thing.  You know what I miss more than anything right now?  Working out.  I can't even explain how hard it is for me not being able to do this.  It's who I am.  Health and fitness have become a huge part of who I am.  I even have my own health and wellness business for crying out loud!!!  It's the hardest part for me so far.  Last Friday I worked out for the first time in about a month.  This is my after photo:

 

I survived it, but it was tough.  I couldn't lift as heavy of weight as I normally do and I couldn't do it at the pace I'm used to.  I have found that I am getting out of breath really easy and just the simplest things take my breath away, so working out regular again may not happen for awhile.  I want to be mad about it.  I want to cry when I think about how hard I worked to get to where I am physically and now I am going to regress.  But, I stop myself from throwing a pity party.  It could be so much worse.  So, instead of being upset, I'm trying to focus on the fact that being in the physical shape I was in when I was diagnosed is only going to help me get through this.  And I know it will.  So, with that, I'm going to enjoy tomorrow.  Because Friday is right around the corner!!