Perspective

Google defines "perspective" as "a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view."  Let me tell you something.  Cancer changes your perspective.  On almost everything.

Before I knew I had cancer, I didn't think much about death.  And when I did think about it, it was as if death was something so far off in the future that I couldn't even really understand what it meant.  Now, now I think about death a lot.  And by a lot I mean probably every single day.  And now when I think about it, it's with the perspective of someone who has a disease that can kill you.  Death is certain and final and you come to really understand what that means when you are faced with the reality of it possibly happening sooner than later.  Totally not the same perspective as before cancer.

When your perspective on death changes, so does your perspective on life.  Before I knew I had cancer, I was living what I perceived as a wonderful, fulfilling life.  I had a wonderful husband, two wonderful children, a loving family, incredible friends, and a job that I enjoyed.  I was having fun, no doubt.  But, my new perspective is that I wasn't really living.  I was existing.  And I wonder, why was that? Why wasn't I really living?  The answer is simple:  Because I didn't realize that I was dying.  I didn't realize that with or without cancer, I was dying.  I didn't realize that every 24 hours, every new day, every sunrise I was alive to experience was a blessing because life is not something that is guaranteed.  We don't come with expiration dates.  None of us know when our final sunrise will come.  

So now, now I thank God daily for each day that I am allowed to live.  And I don't take a single moment for granted because I now understand that I will never experience today again.  I understand that really living isn't about getting up, going to work, making dinner, then going to bed and repeating every day.  What living is about is realizing that you may not be here tomorrow.  It is about making other people happy and expecting nothing in return.  It is about loving with your whole heart and not being afraid of not receiving that love in return.  It is about making sure your family knows how much you love them.  It is about not missing your children's activities, not a single one.  It is about laughing and crying with your friends.  It is about giving.  It is about putting off work to spend time with those who are the most important too you.  It is taking time to let those important people in your life know exactly how you feel because you know that tomorrow you may not get the opportunity to tell them.  Living is giving all the glory to God and placing each day in His hands.  

 Life is too short to be unhappy.   So I've decided to do what makes me happy even if others may not approve or understand.  I've decided that I don't want the people in my life to have to question how I feel or what I think.  

 So, thank you cancer for my new perspective.  

I'm Surrounded By The Greatest People On Earth

Over the past several weeks I have been so humbled by the outpouring of support for my family.  As if everything that has been done for us during my journey to this point hasn't been enough, the support and help keeps coming.  It is such a humbling experience to be the recipient of so much, and I feel like saying "thank you" just isn't enough. 

 

A few weeks ago a great friend organized a tenderloin fundraiser.  Several people stepped up to help and it turned out to be a great success.  So many people have told me that they ordered a loin or that the loin was delicious.  I never really know what to say in response.  First of all, it's still weird to me that this is all happening.  Second of all, I didn't cook them!  So, I just say thank you.  And I feel like that isn't enough.

 

The loin crew

 

 

Today is eight weeks since my last chemo pre-transplant.  Eight weeks.  Two months.   I can't believe how much better I have felt this past week.  It seems like the fatigue is starting to get better every week.  My hair started growing back too.  I've been working full time with no issues.  I really can't complain! 

 

Today was also a second fundraiser for my family.  My sister-in-law planned and organized the whole thing.  And she did an amazing job.  My parents, brother, cousin, and my wonderful friend Courtney and her family helped so much.  It turned out to be a beautiful day and we had a great turnout!  As Cornhole tournaments go, it was very, very successful!

 

 

We had 18 teams!!

My girls working concessions

Thank you Jay, Courtney, and Melody!!

 

 

 

 

 

I really don't know what to say other than "thank you."  Thank you to everyone who helped with both of these fundraisers.  Thank you to everyone who participated by purchasing a loin or coming out to play cornhole.  Thank you to everyone who donated, whether it was monetary or otherwise.  I could never express how much all of this means to me.  Just knowing that when the bills start coming in we will be able to pay them is such a comfort.  And it's a comfort we wouldn't have without such a supportive community, family, and friends.  We are truly blessed!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 



Strangers Aren't Always Bad

This past weekend I was blessed with being able to spend a little time with my stepsister Melodie.  Before she left to return home to Nashville, she handed me a gift from her and her husband Jon.  Also with the gift was a card from one of Melodie's friends, a woman whom I have never met.  She gave me this on Saturday evening, and I waited until this morning to open it.  Don't know why, I just did.  Maybe I waited because it needed to be the right moment for me to read it.  The last week or so I have not felt as good, and have been struggling a little mentally.  So, this card from a perfect stranger is evidently exactly what God knew I needed at exactly the right moment.  

This is the card

I'm not sure if you can read what this card says or not, but the second paragraph talks about how this woman was rooting around in her overgrown garden three weeks ago and came across a plaque.  She didn't sense the plaque was meant for her.  As she was driving in her car praying, she sensed the plaque was meant for me.

This is the plaque.

She proceeds to say that she then asked her daughter to pray, and if she felt lead too, then she should write a poem.  This was the poem...

Relapse

I thought I had conquered

That my battle ended there

I believed I was victorious

But the depths of my heart harbored fear

I lived my days in triumph

My song was free and light

Still the darkness quivered

In the edges of my sight

And then, at once, it all collapsed

It brought me to my knees

I had hoped and prayed

This shouldn't pass

Now my cries of despair shook the trees

"For what?" I choked

Under a sky tauntingly blue

"To what end?" I pleaded

With knees soaked in dew

Not expecting an answer

Wanting only to mourn

For my story cut short

For possibilities shorn

I felt my battered soul return

To a searing place of numb despair

Where spiny cells imprisoned joy

Where cancer held me scared

I had fought and won the battles

I had clawed and scratched through hell

But this micro bio terror

Might still toll my final bell

In the suffocating blackness

In my consuming misery

A voice resounded, clear and low,

"It's time.  Abide in me."

I couldn't breathe to speak

No sound escaped my lips

But I felt my body answer

As my Creator took me in His grip

He gently disentangled me

From the anguish that enveloped

And though its aftermath remained

Something else developed

I felt a warmth, a confidence,

But, more than that, I knew

That God would help me persevere

If His will I would pursue

So, though I don't know how it ends

Or how my life's played out

The breaths I breathe, few or many

come from Judah's Lion's mouth

I know.  I cried too.

It's amazing how God works.  Two women I have never met provided me with a gift that has forever touched my heart.  God knew I needed these strangers to help get me thru and overcome the bad days.  And the poem.  The poem couldn't be more accurate if I had written it myself.  It presents my thoughts and feelings through all of this, as if I had told her in my own words.  

I don't know if these ladies read this blog or not, but if they do...THANK YOU WONDERFUL STRANGERS!!!!  YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE!!