Can You Imagine

 

 

I want you to imagine something for a moment.  Imagine that you are happy with yourself.  That means that you like the way you look...you like your hair, you like your eyes, you like your body.  You like you just the way you are at the moment.  And, actually, you have worked really hard to get to this point and have no plans to ever not be like this.  You plan to be happy with the current you forever. 

 

Imagine with me that you are in love with your life.  That means that you love your family, of course.  But it also means that you love your friends and all the other relationships in your life right at this exact moment.  It also means that you love your place in life...your career, your role at home (mom, dad, sister, daughter, etc).  You really do love your life. 

 

Imagine that you are completely healthy.  You never get sick or feel bad.  It's always you taking care of everyone else, because, well, you are the one that never gets sick.  You have become accustomed to being the caregiver, and you are fine with that. 

(This is where you close your eyes and really imagine all of these things.)

 

 

 

 

Now.  I need you to do something else.  Imagine that all of those things you just imagined are gone.  Yes, all of them.   Why?  Because you find out that you have cancer.  Yes, you.  The healthy one.  The caregiver.  You.  Instantly you are not that person you just imagined.  Suddenly, you aren't happy with you.  Granted, you had never planned on this happening because you really liked you so why would you change anything?  But, all that hard work you put into yourself to get to where you were, well, it's like it never happened.  All those people in your life that you love?  Well, all of a sudden some of those relationships change.  Some of the people closest to you start to pull away.  You haven't done anything any different, yet this still happens.  At home things change too.  And work, well, it's still there but you have a totally different view about it now. 

 

The person that you just imagined is me.  You just imagined my life over the last seven months.  Not even a full year.  All the weight I lost and the complete transformation I worked so hard for...gone.  Chemo has a way of putting weight on me (like 20 pounds of weight).  It put me right back where I started almost three years ago.  Right back to the place in time that I decided I had to change because I wasn't happy with myself.  For whatever reason my cancer diagnosis has changed a few of my closest relationships.  It boggles my mind how or why anyone could abandon someone when they need them the most, but whatever.  Once I started chemo I was no longer the caregiver, and that was really weird.  A huge adjustment for me.  I am a very independent person, so having other people do what I have always done myself was hard to accept.  And work, well, it's work.  Probation work will never cease to exist.  That's about all I can say about that. 

 

 

I am well aware that I'm not the only person on the planet who has been through this, and I am not writing this for any reason other than awareness.  I want everyone who takes the time to read this to understand why, sometimes, people going thru cancer treatments may struggle.  I want everyone to understand that why, sometimes, people who have finished chemo still have a hard time mentally.  I want everyone to understand that it isn't just a physical toll that chemo and cancer take.  The emotional/mental toll is often much higher and people don't often get that.  People don't always think about what may be going on inside.  They only see what is going on outside and assume everything should be fine and wonder why it isn't.  Many people think that once the cancer is gone there is no reason to be negative or depressed.  But let me tell you, all of the changes that take place and how quickly they take place creates problems within a person.  And, most of the time with everything happening so quickly, the cancer patient doesn't have time to really process what is going on until treatment is over.  Then, when reality slaps you in the face, you begin a new struggle.  The physical battle may end, but the mental struggle is just beginning.  I want to make people aware that the effects of this journey last a long time.  If magic were real and cancer patients could say a few magic words and instantly go back to the life that was taken from them when they were diagnosed, then yeah, negativity and depression would disappear.  But we all know magic isn't real and life just doesn't work like that.