Dear Cancer:
It's Valentines Day. A day that is supposed to be filled with expressions of love. A day full of roses, chocolates, candy, cards, romantic dinners, and lots of kisses. A day intended to be spent with your Valentine. And I'm sure, Cancer, that you don't care about any of that. No, you don't. You have made it clear that all you care about is YOU.
I wish I could talk to you. It's so weird. We are together all day every single day yet we can't speak to each other. I want to know a few things. How long have you been here exactly? I mean, I didn't even know you were living inside me until you had been here for probably a year or so. It's creepy Cancer. Really creepy that you sat around so quiet for so long before letting me know you were here. I sort of feel like you were stalking me. Sitting, waiting. Waiting until I had reached my fitness goals. Waiting until I felt better than I ever had. Waiting for me to embark on my next big thing so that you could deliver the biggest, most powerful blow possible. That's what I think you did. Nothing romantic about that. Not at all. What did I do to cause you to show up? Did I eat something you love? Did I drink something you just can't say no too? Did I breathe in the toxic chemicals that you love to swim in? Was it that my DNA made it so that you had to show up? I really, really wish you could tell me. Not that it matters right now since you are already here. But, maybe, just maybe I could change some things so that you don't show up ever again. Once I get rid of you, do you plan to stay gone, or do you love me so much that you will come back again some day? How long will you wait? Five years? Ten years? If you are going to come back, will you come back as the same Cancer, or will you have changed? People change, and you can too. I just want to know what I should expect. This is my life we are talking about here so I feel I have a right to know what you plan to do with it.
Cancer, I want to make sure you understand how I feel about you, being it's Valentine's Day and all. I don't want you here. I want you to leave and never, ever come back. When I say your name I cringe a little. You have disrupted not just my life, Cancer. You have disrupted the lives of everyone I am close too. My family, my friends. I hate you and I'm going to kill you. The problem is I can't just shoot you and get it over with (believe me if that were an option I would choose it). I have to receive chemotherapy to kill you, and in the process of trying to kill you my body is taking one hell of a beating. Trying to kill you is taking its toll on me. I won't go into all of the side effects because you already know. I hope you understand that I will never, ever love you. I don't care how you feel about me. I hate you and I am going to kill you. I hope you are clear on that.
Because of you, Cancer, I'm spending my Valentine's day receiving chemo. That's right. On a day that is full of love, I'm trying to kill what I hate most. YOU!!!!! And, on my birthday and on my daughters birthday I will feel horrible. I won't be out having fun and celebrating. And I really, really hate you for that. I have cried so many tears because of you. And I will cry so many more.
You haven't just messed with me physically. It's mental too. You have tapped into my thoughts and made them not so good sometimes. You have made me doubt myself. You have made me question alot of things. There have been days that I have been so sad. There have been days that I have just been flat out mean to my husband and my kids. And it's all because of you, Cancer. It's all because you decided to invade my body and live in it. You decided that you wanted to take me over. I had absolutely no say in this relationship. I never did. It's always been all about you Cancer. And I refuse to be in a relationship like that.
I will say that I do thank you for something. I thank you for making me understand how special every single moment of life is. For making me realize that at any given moment, life can change. That I'm not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this planet. Because of you, I now spend less time worrying about me and more time thinking about those that I love. I check in with my friends more often now. I try to smile and laugh more. So for these things, I will thank you.
I wish I didn't have to kill you. But, it's either you or me and it isn't going to be me. You are going to die. And as much as I dislike chemo, I will keep going until the doctor tells me I can stop. And he won't tell me I can stop until you are dead. You may already be dead and typing you this letter may be pointless. I don't know. I hope it is pointless. But, until I know for sure I will keep moving ahead with everything. I hate you. I want you to die. And when I'm told that you are dead, then I will celebrate. I will probably even throw a party so everyone close to me can join me in celebrating your death. It will be the happiest moment of my life to know that I killed you.
I hope you have a crappy Valentine's Day Cancer!!!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Wants You To Die
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