Things That I Miss

Well this little ECard couldn't be any more true!!  And, it goes right along with how I feel today, so I figured that is how I would start this blog post.  I really don't want this to be a negative post.  I really don't.  But, I am really, really, really starting to miss certain things.  And it is kind of driving me a little crazy not being able to do what makes me, me.  I'm starting to feel like I don't even know me anymore.  So, before I forget who I really am, I feel like I need to make a list of things I miss. 

Thing #1...WORKING OUT!!!!!
     If you know me at all, I mean, AT ALL then you know how important health and fitness are to my life.  If you follow me on Facebook, then you  have seen the before and after photo's.  If you have never seen them, no fear.  I am going to post it here.  Don't care if some of you are tired of seeing it.  I worked damn hard to accomplish my 90 day goal and I will post it as much as I want!!!  But really, I miss working out with all of my being.  Before cancer (or I guess I should say chemo since I've probably had cancer for many, many months and just didn't know it) my routine was as follows:  up at 4:45; get dressed, stumble to the kitchen, mix up my Visalus GO and Visalus PRO to fuel my workout.  Then, head down to the Steelers room and get started.  My workouts last anywhere from 30-45 minutes and they were pretty dang intense.  Then, up to shower and dressed.  Then mix up my breakfast/recovery Vi-Shake (usually chocolate/peanut butter/banana).  Then get the kids ready for school then head to work. 

Don't get me wrong.  I still use these amazing products every.single.day.  Love them.  And honestly, without my shake, I'm not exactly sure I would be able to eat anything for breakfast.  Dr. Stephens told me to keep drinking them as much as I wanted as often as I wanted because they are that good for me.  So I do.  But, I miss drinking them after an intense weight lifting workout or good run.  The GO and PRO act as my coffee now.  Can not wait until I can use them like I used too!!  To fuel my workouts!!  Did I mention how much I miss working out??

Thing #2...NOT FEELING NAUSEAUS FOR A WEEK

     Can't explain what this is like.  Just can't.  It's different than pregnancy nausea.  And it doesn't go away, but just gets worse daily.  And as the day goes on.  Nothing sounds good at all, but when I eat I feel better for a little while.  I literally stood in the kitchen for about 30 minutes yesterday trying to decide what to eat.  Jeremy was washing dishes and turned around and asked me if I was stalking him.  That's how long I stood there.  And still couldn't make a decision!!!  It's awful.  Every week after chemo is like this.  It's terrible.  I really wish I could explain it.  And when you feel like this, you will eat anything to feel better.  And at any time of day or night.  It totally goes against EVERYTHING I stand for when it comes to health and nutrition.  So, this is super hard for me to get past mentally.  But, you do what you gotta do to get through it. 

Thing #3...NOT FEELING COMPLETELY WIPED OUT FOR A WEEK

     Again, if you know me AT ALL, you know that pre-chemo I was full of energy and always on the go.  Now, it's nothing short of a miracle if I'm not asleep by 9 for the whole week after chemo.  I really feel bad for my kids on this one.  I just don't feel like doing anything at all.  Just playing a game of UNO sounds like work. I don't like feeling like this at all.  It is totally not me.  Before all this chemo nonsense I was up until 11 and back up at 4:45am.  It's weird how much this bothers me, but it does.

Thing #4...MY PRE-CHEMO HAIR

     I still have my hair.  Just not all of it.  It is thinning out so much that I'm not even sure how much longer I can stand it.  Jeremy and several others have told me that they can't really see where it has come out, but I sure can.  And I know it is because it is still coming out in handfuls in the shower and in my brush.  I was so close to shaving it on January 1.  I'm so close to over it.  It's just annoying at this point.  And depressing.  I had finally, after several years of trying, grown out my hair and had it exactly how I wanted it.  Now I can only wear it one way and it's not the way I want.  So, sooner than later I will just get rid of it.  But dang I sure miss my old hair!!!

Thing #5...NOT GETTING WINDED SO QUICKLY

     One side effect of one of my chemo drugs is that it can cause lung damage.  My Dr. says my shortness of breath issue is not due to lung damage at this point, but rather anemia that is brought on my chemo.  Awesome.  Just walking up the stairs can take my breath sometimes.  And this is one reason I can't workout like I used to.  Kind of hard to do when you can't breathe!!!

Thing #6...NOT HAVING MY HEART RACE AT RANDOM TIMES

     Another side effect of one of my chemo drugs is heart damage.  My Dr. has assured me that my heart is still ok at this point, but my racing heart is due to, again, anemia brought on by chemo.  Totally freaked me out the first time I felt this.  It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest and into my throat.  So bizarre.  Yet another reason I can't work out.  Dang heart rate skips around too much when I try too.  

Thing #7...NOT HAVING A SORE THROAT AND DRIED OUT NOSE EVERY MORNING

     Yep, you guessed it.  Another side effect of chemo.  Dries out everything.  It's ridiculous really.  

Thing #8...NOT BREAKING OUT IN RANDOM RASHES

     Happens every time.  And not at the same time.  Sometimes its the day after chemo, sometimes four or five days after.  Might be on my face, arms, legs.  Just depends where it wants to pop up.  This is why I carry Benadryl with me wherever I go.  I just don't ever know.

OK.  Enough of that.  I don't want this to turn into a pity party or a depressing post.  But, seriously, I MISS THOSE THINGS!!  But, I also miss these things.  They really have nothing to do with chemo or cancer.  I just miss them.

We have been on two Disney Cruises.  Can not wait to go again!

    

Before the cruise...so much fun

Cocoa Beach last summer.

Universal Studios last summer

Hard Rock Hotel.  Amazing.  No other word will describe it.

These two...Miami Beach.  Beautiful sums this up I think.  And I had an AMAZING workout on the beach with my friends Natalie, Lee, and Kristie.  Great time with great people.

PNC Park.  I would have to say probably the most beautiful major league park that exists.  Home of the Pittsburgh Pirates.  I think we are really meant to live in Pittsburgh.  Would love to go here again some day.

Heinz Field.  Home of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Also known as heaven.  hahaha.  Seriously though.  Pretty fantastic taking a tour of this.  We went to a game here in 2005.  Would love to go back.

I hope this post wasn't too awful for all of you.  Not overly exciting I know.  But, this one was more for me I guess.  To vent a little.  My husband and a few good friends have told me to just remember that all of this bad stuff, the nasty side effects and not getting to do the things I love is just temporary.  And they are right.  It is.  And after 8 more treatments and the PET scan saying I'm cancer free, I can get back to being me.  You have no idea how much I long for that day.  Just seems like it will be forever before it gets here.  But, I will just keep moving ahead and struggling through the bad weeks and enjoying the good weeks to the fullest.  That's all I can do.  That, and lean on my friends.  So lucky to have some great ones!!! 

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